In Lethe's Grasp
by Ultrawoman
Summary: 5 years post The Gift. Buffy died saving her sister and the world but was never resurrected. The Scoobies have moved on with their lives and Dawn is planning her wedding. Spike goes to pick up the Bit’s dress and runs into someone he never expected to see
1. Chapter 1

**A/N : Here's a radical new idea I came up with, at least I hope it's new, I never saw it done before! Don't worry, it's still Spuffy, I don't think I have the ability to write any other couple as a general rule! Here's hoping this is as popular as some of my other stories are / have been...**

**Title: In Lethe's Grasp**

**Rating: PG-13**

**Summary: 5 years post The Gift. Buffy died saving her sister and the world but was never resurrected. The Scoobies have moved on with their lives, including Dawn who is planning her wedding. Spike goes to LA to pick up the Bit's dress and runs into someone he never expected to see...**

_**Disclaimer : All recognisable characters belong to Joss Whedon, ME, and other important people that aren't me.**_

Chapter 1

"Yes, Bit, for the seventeenth time, I've got the bloody thing" Spike sighed as he held the cellphone to his ear with one hand and steered the car with the other. What she didn't know was the engine wasn't even running. Spike's precious DeSoto had died on him on his way out of LA and he was currently being towed to the nearest garage to get it fixed for an extortionate amount of cash by the bloke in front, driving the tow-truck. He glanced over to the ample space of the back seat where Dawnie's precious dress lie.

It was hard to believe his Nibblet was getting married, that so much time had passed. She was twenty one now, and so much in love with Jason Green, Spike knew he could never stand in the way of their marriage. He smiled as he remembered the day the boy had actually come and asked his permission for the Bit's hand. It didn't feel as strange as it might since he'd been the nearest thing Dawn had to a parent these past years. All the Scoobies had helped out at first but they'd grown up and moved on as young people were prone to do. Willow and Tara had gone to England to visit Giles and fallen in love with the country to the point where they decided to live there. Xander and Anya had their wedding, she fell pregnant, he got a better job to earn more cash and that meant moving away from good old SunnyD. Dawn was old enough to live alone by then and mostly take care of herself, but Spike was always there for her, always Dad, big brother, best friend, and anything else she needed him to be, as well as everyone's protector of the Hellmouth.

"Spike?" the younger Summers said in his ear, pulling him from deep thought, "Are you okay?" she checked.

"Sure thing, Bit, never better" he lied and she knew it. Her silence was more effective than it might've been since Spike could quite clearly picture the look on her face right now, so much like her sister when she was calling him a liar with her eyes alone.

"Just thinkin' is all" he admitted, as the tow-truck stopped at another red light. They seemed to be hitting every single one, such was his luck. He really needed to get the car safely to the garage and hide himself away somewhere before the sun rose.

"Thinking about what?" Dawn asked curiously, wondering if she already knew, if the same person was in the vampire's mind as had been on hers.

"More of a who than a what" he told her, "Y'know she would be so proud of you" he said, as he thought of the Slayer he'd loved so much and still did even now, "What with you gettin' into college and studyin' medicine and all, and now marrying your fella..."

"I still miss her" Dawn told him as his voice faded away, "Everyday I think about her and... and I wish she was here"

"Me too, Little Bit" Spike answered her softly, even now the Big Bad got choked up if he let his mind linger on Buffy's death too long. He knew she was probably in a better place, complete with wings and a harp or whatever happened to fighters for truth and light. Maybe what hurt the most was knowing out of all her family and friends, Spike would be the one least likely to see the Slayer again when the time for leaving this plane came. Heaven didn't make room for the likes of him, demons and such, he was destined for the fires of hell and he knew it. Still, until the time came for him to leave this world forever, he would stay where he belonged, where he promised to be, looking after Dawn for her sake as well as the Slayer's, and his own if he was honest.

"Look, Bit, I'm gonna have to go" he told her, "Gotta find a place to hide myself away for the day, but I'll head home soon as night falls again, okay?"

"Sure" Dawn yawned into her reply, "I ought to get back to bed anyway, catch a couple of hours sleep before I have to get to work"

"Talk to you soon, luv" Spike smiled before they both said goodbye and hung up.

* * *

Since it was nearing five in the morning by the time the car got towed away safely, Spike had no option but to find the nearest route to the sewers and stay there for the day. He locked the Bit's dress in the back of the car and practically told the mechanic not to mess with it on pain of death.

Spike had hoped that the next night when he went back to the garage they'd tell him his precious DeSoto was running just fine again, but his luck was clearly going through a bad patch right now and he was told it'd take another day yet to get the right parts and fit them. It'd cost a pretty penny too, and Spike was only glad he had a regular income these days. Stealing what he needed was fine when he was evil, but these days playing father-figure or at the very least older brother to Dawnie and practically living at the house with her he knew he needed to earn a respectable living and pay his way properly, set a good example and all that rot.

Perhaps respectable was the wrong word he realised when he thought about the two jobs he held down, playing doorman and sometimes barman at two different demon bars on either side of Sunnydale. Still it paid well, required him to work only during the hours of darkness, plus he could get his rocks off beating up Sunnydale's most evil, and the management had no problem with his 'drinking' on the job.

Though he could pay for the necessary repairs to his car, Spike realised he was still stuck in LA for another night and day and he called Dawn to tell her about the problem. She was anxious to have him home, and not only because she wanted her wedding dress already! Poor girl had a tendency to panic whenever Spike was away from her for more than a day or so. She'd lost so many people she loved, she was just petrified of another disappearing from her life.

Promising he'd be home the next night, Spike hung up from his call with Dawn and trudged down the road towards a hotel where he could stay for the night. That would require spending even more of his hard earned, but he couldn't stand another night in the sewers. He needed a shower and a decent amount of kip if he was going to get through the drive home the next night. Vampires were more resilient than humans, requiring less sleep than the average person would, but this would make a third night without rest and Spike knew that was pushing it a little, especially with the concentration of driving thrown on top.

It was close to midnight when he went into the hotel. Sweet talking the girl behind the reception desk didn't present a problem for Spike and he had a flashy room with en suite and a discount inside half an hour. He smirked to himself as he came out of the elevator onto the fourth floor, spinning his key card on his finger. Unlife could be a lot worse really, he thought to himself as he located the door to his room and pushed the card into the slot. An angry red light told him he'd done something wrong and could not enter.

"Bloody hell!" he complained as he took the card out and put it back in the other way up. Still a buzz and a light told him entry would not be permitted.

By the time he'd re-inserted the card for the sixth time he was getting angry in a severe way and was actually having trouble forcing his game face down.

"Whatever happened to real soddin' keys and keyholes!" he cursed at the door since no-one was there to hear him, "It was different in my day..." he muttered as he pulled the card out of the slot again and studied it.

"There has to be a reason why it's not working" he said to himself as he looked carefully along the edges. Nothing looked wrong, but he couldn't be sure. He wiped the card on the leg of his jeans and with a nasty look that of course had no effect at all on the locking mechanism he forced the card in for a seventh time.

"Damn and bugger!" he swore, kicking the wall when it still didn't work.

"You want some help with that?" asked a voice behind him, clearly a woman who found his situation a little amusing.

Spike might've got even angrier from her tone but the over-riding emotion that coursed through him was shock. This woman, whom he had yet to see, sounded so much like Buffy it hurt and yet he couldn't turn and look at her, it might break the painfully beautiful illusion.

A moment later, after telling himself not to be a stupid delusional ponce, Spike glanced behind himself at the young woman, who was by now looking at him oddly.

"Are you okay?" she checked, a little worried by the panicked expression on the strangers already pale face.

Spike gasped, despite his lack of breath, as he looked at her.

"Buffy?"

_To Be Continued..._

**A/N2 : I'd really love to know what you all think so far, so please review!**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N : Wow, the response to this fic has amazed me. I really hope I can continue to write this story well enough that all you fabulous readers and revewiers continue to enjoy it!  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 2

"Bloody hell" Spike gasped as he stared at the woman in front of him.

It was Buffy, he was sure of it. Though her hair was much darker than it had been before and of course she'd aged a little in the five years that had passed, it was still clear to the vampire that this was the woman he had loved for so long, and believed he'd lost. If nothing else convinced him, her scent gave the game away, he would never forget that for as long as he existed.

"Are you okay?" she asked him with a frown, "You're looking at me a little weird" she said, backing up a step. She'd figured she was pretty safe offering help to a fellow guest at the hotel. She planned to stop just long enough to help him use his key card, and get him into his room, but now he just kept staring at her and on closer inspection he did look kinda dangerous in his black clothes and with his bleached blond hair. He was obviously gorgeous, she wasn't so blind she didn't see that, but that didn't mean he was a nice guy.

"Buffy, you... I don't... how did you...?" Spike tried to form a sentence, and it was strange to him to not be able to find words. He was so use to having an answer for everything.

"Okay, I don't know who Buffy is" the woman told him as she took the key card from his hand and inserted into the slot in the door. There was a buzz and a click as the lock turned over and she pushed the door til it opened slightly, "I think maybe you should go lie down or something. You look... pale" she said, noting he was indeed very white, almost as if he were dead.

"If you're not Buffy" Spike frowned, "What do you think your name is?" he asked.

"I... I'm Joan" she said awkwardly, leaving off her last name on purpose and wondering if she should have told this stranger even that much. He could be anybody, some psychopathic pervert or whatever, pretending to be sick and confused just to get her in his room and do stuff to her that you read about in newspapers. All kinds of awful things happened to young women in LA at night, still this guy would have to be a supremely talented actor, Joan thought, to looked so stunned by the very sight of her.

"Really, I think you should sit down, er..."

"Spike" he filled in his name when she drew a blank, looking almost incredulous about the fact he'd had to remind her.

It seemed he thought she was someone else, someone who should know him. Clearly this Buffy he assumed her to be was someone he cared for very much. There were actual tears in his eyes right now, and whether they were from the shock or the disappointment from her not being his girl, Joan wasn't entirely sure, as she manoeuvred him into his room and made him sit down on the end of the bed. She made sure the door stayed open, just in case a swift exit was needed. She also decided it was probably best to stay on her feet and not sit down beside him.

"I don't get it" Spike shook his head as he rested his elbows on his knees, "Or maybe I do" he laughed painfully, "Bloody nasty joke someone's playin'. Soddin' powers trying to make me bleedin' sack of hammers, I reckon" he chuckled and Joan backed up closer to the door. Maybe this guy was on drugs or something, he looked like he could be the type, and she figured you didn't get a name like Spike without being more than a little rough around the edges.

"Can't be you, can it?" he said, looking up so suddenly it made her jump slightly, "Can't be her, she's... she's gone"

"I don't know who you lost, but I'm sorry" Joan said awkwardly, "I mean, obviously because you lost her, but also because... well, I'm sorry seeing me upset you. Do I look a lot like her?" she checked, wondering why she was even asking, but a little curious about this guy now. There was something weirdly familiar about him and as much as part of her wanted to run away, the other part just wanted to stay here in this room and talk to this stranger because she knew it was safe. She didn't know how she knew, she just sort of did.

"Bloody spittin' image, luv" Spike sighed, "You could be twins"

He shifted his body, hand going to the back pocket of his jeans as he pulled out a beaten leather wallet. Joan watched as he pulled out one faded, dog-eared photograph and stared at it for a moment, with such longing in his eyes her heart almost broke for him. When he held the picture out to her, she wasted no time in taking it from him, eager to see just how similar she was to this Buffy who he pined for. She got the shock of her life when she finally saw what appeared to be herself only blonde and with the biggest grin on her face. She might have been looking in a mirror but for the hair and that wasn't as unfamiliar as it might have been. The strangest mixture of feelings shot through her then, making her shiver as she glanced between the picture and Spike.

"When did she...?" she began to ask, unable to say the actual words, in case it was too painful for him.

"Five years ago" he answered softly, apparently knowing what she meant anyway, "Just over in fact" he noted, "Five years, fours weeks, and two days" he said in automated fashion, since he clocked the time exactly as a machine might. He knew Dawnie could do the same thing, probably with hours, minutes, and seconds included too. They both missed Buffy so damn much, even now.

"Five years..." Joan echoed repeating the rest of what Spike had just said inside her mind. Back tracking, she pinpointed the date, 22nd May 2001, "Oh God" she gasped the picture falling from her fingers to the carpet as her hand went to her mouth.

Spike picked up on the change in her scent and instantly looked up at her. She was scared, overwhelmed, in some sort of shock. Surely there could only be one reason for that.

"Buffy?" he said cautiously as he got to his feet. Somehow this was her, he'd been almost certain before but told himself he was imagining it. The poor girl was scared of him when he got all intense on her, and the Slayer hadn't been afraid of him in years, not after the first couple of times they'd fought way back in the beginning, even then she'd had a knack for covering her fear. She genuinely had no idea who he was it seemed, but the way she reacted to the photograph and more so hearing how long Buffy had been gone, he just knew this was her.

"No" she said firmly, though it was muffled by her hand as she backed out of the door, "No, no, it's not me, I'm not... no!" she yelled, suddenly bolting.

Spike called her name behind her, running as far as the door before stopping. The poor chit was petrified and though he desperately wanted her to be Buffy, there was still a good chance he was wrong. After all, as much as it always pained him to remember, the Slayer was dead, had been for over five years now, and dead girls don't just reappear like that, with a different name and haircut. Life, and indeed death, just didn't work that way.

Besides, even if it was her, he wasn't going to get very far by chasing her through a busy hotel. If she got really spooked, started screaming or whatever, she'd wake the whole place up and then there would be all kinds of trouble, like Spike getting arrested for being a perv or a weirdo, something he could well do without right now.

He turned back into the room and picked up the photograph, the girl had dropped before making her hasty exit. He looked at the face of the woman he adored for a moment, before closing his eyes and finally letting tears escape down his cheeks. Whether he was crazy or if Buffy had just come back into his life in some new form, he wasn't certain yet, but either way it had dragged up far too many memories he'd rather have kept hidden.

The Slayer was one of the very few weaknesses Spike had, and he hated her just a little but for that. Mostly though, he still loved her, and knew he would for as long as the Powers That Be allowed him to walk the Earth. It was some prize idiot who decided vampires could not love without a soul. If that were true, Spike knew his heart wouldn't be breaking all over again as it was right now.

* * *

Joan fought to unlock the door of her hotel room with the key card in her hand. When it eventually worked and let her inside, she slammed the door shut and ran straight for the bathroom where she threw up in spectacular fashion into the toilet.

Moments later she sank to her knees by the tub, curling herself up in a ball as she tried to breathe evenly. Tears streaked down her face, taking carefully applied eye make-up with them as memories she'd sooner forget flashed through her mind in double-quick time.

Though she still had no idea who Spike was, or why he called her Buffy, one thing he had said rang a bell in her mind, in fact it rang a big frickin' gong, and in no good way at all. Joan hated to think of the time five years ago when she was forced to began her life over again, since she had no recollection of the way it was supposed to be.

_23rd May 2001 - Cleveland, Ohio_

"Are you okay, dear?"

She heard a voice and opened her eyes to find a kindly looking woman, probably somebody's grandma, standing over her with a look of concern on her face.

"I... I don't know" she answered shakily as she tried to properly focus her eyes. Nothing looked familiar, not even the body she was in. Her clothes were torn, her hands were dirty, as if she'd been rolling around in a filthy alley. It was only when she turned to look she realised she really was sitting in the space between two buildings, the morning sun blinding her when the elderly lady before her shifted to let it through.

"You got a name, sweetheart?" she asked, and it started to become obvious that far from being some sweet little grandma on her way to the grocery store, this woman probably lived in the gutter that she herself was currently sat in. She didn't let her mind linger on that too long as she worried more about the fact she couldn't answer the question posed to her.

"I don't think I remember" she said, panic rising as she realised that her name was not the only thing she couldn't recall.

No family or friends sprung to mind, no address where she might live, no number to call. In her state of panic she didn't notice the old woman get hold of her arms and check her for marks where needles might have administered drugs. When she found none, her frown deepened. She knew how to cope with the kids that got high round these parts, but this little princess didn't seem to fit here.

"What's the last thing you remember, honey?" she asked the young woman gently as she scrambled to her feet looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights of a Mack truck.

"I don't... I can't..." she muttered, tears forming in her eyes by now, "Where am I? How did I... How did I get here?" she begged to be told but the little old lady had no idea how to answer such questions.

"Hey, don't get upset, dear, we'll figure this out" she promised, leading her by the arm as they crossed the street and then walked on further down the road.

The whole time, the young apparently amnesiac woman watched every car go by, stared at every building, hoping to figure out where she was and why, praying she could remember anything at all.

By the time they arrived at the hospital she was in floods of tears and a nurse was dispatched to look after her, as the police were duly called. There was no telling what had happened to leave this girl in a gutter without her memory or any personal belongings. Even the poor young woman herself didn't know.

* * *

Joan cried all over again as she recalled that awful first day, found in the street by a kindly homeless lady and deposited in a hospital where she must face doctors, police officers, and a barrage of questions she couldn't even begin to answer.

From that day to this, she never remembered a single thing about the life she'd had before. Now she was wondering if this stranger named Spike had been a part of it.

The question now was, did she really want to know for sure?

_To Be Continued..._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N : The response to this story has been astonishing so far. I'm just really glad that so many people seem to love reading it as much as I love writing it. I don't know how long this story will be, I suspect not as long as some of my past fics since the ideas I have are not too involved. Anywho, here's the latest chapter...  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 3

Spike lay on the hotel bed staring at the ceiling. He'd tried closing his eyes and willing sleep to come, but to no avail. Thoughts of Buffy filled his head, both memories of the dim and distant past five years ago or more, and recent scenes that had played out in this very room just hours ago.

She called herself Joan, her hair was dark brown and shorter, and she said she didn't know him, and yet Spike was almost one hundred percent certain that the woman who'd stood before him was Buffy Anne Summers. He would have been more sure, if it were not for the fact she were dead. He had seen her tumble into the portal, watched the pain cross her face, followed by the calm and peaceful smile as she slipped away, presumably going to a better place. Though he could remember all this plain as day, still feel the terrible heartache it had caused, his mind worked overtime, trying to find a way in which he could be wrong.

How might Buffy have come to appear dead, and yet live still in a form that did not know those she'd been close to. Spike knew she'd never loved him, that they were not close in that sense, but he'd been a part of her life for almost three years. First enemy, then hostage, a strange sort of acquaintance, and by the end possibly even a friend. For her not to know him was impossible, and she had not lied on purpose, he knew that for certain. He'd studied the Slayer as both adversary and potential love interest, he knew her every expression, every inflection of her voice. She could not lie to him without his knowledge, anymore than Miss Joan Whatever-She-Called-Herself could be anyone but Buffy Summers by another name.

She did not know herself, and that worried Spike more than her not knowing him. When she stated her name, she meant it, no lies or tricks. She had no clue who Buffy was, and seemed stunned that Spike carried a picture of a girl that might be her own twin.

What first made the vampire so suspicious of this woman's origins was her scent. Though it was said that human beings could likely find a completely unrelated double of themselves somewhere in the world, each and every person was distinguishable by the way they smelled. Of course it was not always an obvious odour, only creatures with sensitive noses could pick up on it, dogs in the animal world, vampires in the demon world.

Five years on, Spike knew Buffy's scent as well as he knew her face. It wasn't something he was ever likely to forget, anymore than his own name would slip his mind. He laughed painfully at that. It was an ironic choice of proof. Forgetting ones own name was apparently not as ridiculous as it first seemed to be, if 'Joan' was to be made an example of. She simply had to be Buffy, and on some level she knew that, Spike was sure. Her reaction to the date of the Slayer's death was such that it was clear that day meant something to her. The bleached blond would love to find out what, but unless she came to him he didn't see how he was ever going to find out. Trying to find her, barging into the room of a helpless young woman, which this incarnation of Buffy would likely be, would only get him in all sorts of trouble. He could not afford to be thrown out of the hotel a couple of hours before dawn. All he could do was hope and pray to the Powers That Be that he was right, that Buffy really was back somehow, and that she'd want to come back and see him for whatever reason.

* * *

Joan couldn't sleep. Even as she'd gone through her little routine of taking off her make-up, washing herself, and changing into her pyjamas, she'd known it was all pointless, but she did it nevertheless. She lay under the duvet, watching the digits on her travel clock click over and over, a minute, another, then an hour, and two. It was soon three in the morning and Joan had barely closed her eyes. Each time she even contemplated sleep she was bombarded with images behind her eyes that she'd sooner not see, rather not remember at all. 

Five years ago, a hospital, with doctors and nurses and other patients all eager to know the latest on the mystery woman, the one without a name or identification of any kind. Found in the street by an old homeless woman, in stylish yet affordable clothes that looked like they'd been in the wars, despite the fact the woman wearing them barely had a scratch on her, just a few minor bruises that had healed in a day or two.

There was no sign she'd been attacked or taken advantage of in anyway, and Joan remembered all the tests and questions too clearly to doubt the doctors and nurses had missed anything at all. How she'd ended up in a dark alley on a bright morning in the middle of Cleveland, Ohio, was anybody's guess, and the young woman herself had not one clue.

Since she was found to be medically fit, the hospital didn't want to waste a bed on her, but with no money, belongings, family, friends, or even a name to call her own, she couldn't just be turned out onto the streets. There were proper channels to go through of course, legal issues and the hospitals reponsibilities, but much had been bypassed when the nameless woman made friends with a nurse. The friendly young woman named Christine Jacobs had been the first person to deal with Joan at the hospital and had offered her a place to stay when it became clear after a couple of weeks that her memory was not going to return any time soon.

A little wary, but nonetheless grateful, Joan had taken her up on the offer and chose a temporary name for herself which had stuck when no other was ever discovered. The blonde's hair grew out, proving she had in fact been born a brunette, and she started to look for a job she might be good at. It took a while since she wasn't sure what she was good at, and couldn't prove whether she had any qualifications or not.

Joan struck lucky at a shop in town. Her picture had been on the television and in newspapers for a while as the doctors hoped someone might recognise her as their missing friend or family member, and though none did, her face was known in the local area. A gentleman who owned a book store had heard of her plight and when she went in to apply for the job of shop assistant that she'd seen advertised in the window he was quick to say yes, with barely an interview to be had.

Joan was at first wary of his eagerness to employ her. A young woman could not be too careful in this day and age. There were always talking on the news bulletins and in the newspapers about men that employed young women to sexually harrass them and use them. Joan soon found out she was very wrong about poor Mr Whitely, who's intentions were apparently honourable.

His own daughter had been involved in an incident several years ago, and she had been less lucky than Joan had been, he'd told her. When they found poor Molly in an alley, it was face down, covered in blood, and stone cold. Mr Whitely thought someone somewhere was smiling down on Miss Joan Winters as she had chosen to call herself. Things could have turned out much worse for her, and as she had been allowed another chance at life as it were Mr Whitely intended to help her out, since he'd had no chance to help his own child.

Joan was very grateful and took the job, enjoying it immensely these past five years. It was just a few months after she began working at the shop that she found an envelope addressed to herself, sitting on one of the shelves she was tidying at the back of the store. Inside were papers, birth certificate, passport, ID card, everything she ought to have but didn't since her memory had left her. It had scared her at first, that someone would do this illegal thing for her. Who would know her well enough to write all the made up details of her new life on the paperwork?

She assumed it must've been Mr Whitely's work, though he seemed so honest and upfront about everything. There really was no-one else it could be, she surmised, but decided not to say a word about it. Clearly he did not want it mentioned or he would not have simply left the things for her to find, he would have given them to her himself.

However the documents had come to be, Joan was grateful for them. Her life gained momentum, reality, a sense that it was her own, and that she was herself. The fact she could not remember anything about her childhood, or life at all up to a point five years ago hadn't mattered anymore as she did her job, made friends, and lived life like any normal young woman in Ohio.

With a different hair colour and style, new clothes, and a constantly happy expression, she was unrecognisable as the poor blonde from the circulated pictures of the mystery woman with no memory and no name. She was Joan Winters, book store assistant, friend to many, and happy to live her life as it was in Cleveland. Now everything was changing again, she realised, as she was forcibly reminded that she had no idea where she had come from, or how she ended up where she had with no memories at all.

Somewhere out there she must at least have parents, probably some friends, maybe even a boyfriend or husband or something. A whole group of people might have her picture somewhere in their house, by their bed, in their wallet, and wonder every day where she went.

Joan frowned as she thought about it. Such ideas had entered her head before of course, but she never let them hang around too long. The likelihood that she would remember anything lessened as time went on and she made peace with the fact that her old life, whatever it had been, was now over, done with, and gone for good. It had been easy enough to do, with nothing to remind her of it, but now she'd met Spike, and he seemed to know her.

The picture he'd shown her, the girl he'd called Buffy, it simply had to be her before her accident or whatever it was that had happened that landed her in an alley all alone and with amnesia. Could he be a friend she once knew, a boyfriend even? He had said he loved this Buffy and if that was her... Joan shuddered involuntarily as the strangest mixture of feelings shot through her, emotions from one end of the scale to the other. She was so scared of what it meant to find a link to her past, and at the same time kind of thrilled to know she might at last be able to discover what had come to pass in the twenty years or so she was missing.

With no information forthcoming from her memory banks, even her year of birth was uncertain, and certainly the date of it. She had created her own birth date, an event she had allotted to the day she was found in the alley, since that was when she felt she had been reborn. For the year, she'd had Christine estimate it for her, and they'd decided she was probably no more than twenty. On the one year anniversary of her being found, a huge surprise party had been thrown by all the new friends Joan had made and the day was a celebration for her twenty first birthday, in the hopes of blocking out some of the dark images of the year before.

Joan's hand went to her face as she felt tears course down her cheeks. Bad things had happened, good things too. Over the past five years she'd been through a lot of ups and downs, never knowing what the years before these had been. Now she had a chance to find out and the mix of emotions that stirred inside her made her feel heartily sick.

Glancing at the clock she realised it was pointless lying there anymore trying to sleep. It was almost five a.m. and the sun was peeking up over the horizon, shafts of orange light creeping in through the gap in the drapes. Sitting up, Joan glanced across at the mirror, wiped the tears from her face, and combed her fingers through her hair. She stared long and hard at her reflection, tried to picture herself as she had been long before, blonde like the picture Spike had. She forced a smile and waved to herself.

"Hi, I'm Buffy" she said awkwardly, before trying again more convincingly. It just felt so wrong and ridiculous the first couple of times but suddenly on the third attempt, something happened. It was like a movie running through her head as she stood outside a building, looking down on a young red-head with a brown paper bag and a backpack at her side.

"Do you want me to move?" she asked, worriedly.

"Okay, why don't we start with... Hi, I'm Buffy" Joan heard her own voice say and she gasped as she found herself suddenly back in her room.

For a moment she hadn't been sure where she was, talking to some random young girl, in some random place, but saying the words she'd been trying out in front of the mirror. She pinched her own arm and flinched at the feeling. No, she wasn't asleep and therefore the little trip had been no dream.

"Am I Buffy?" she asked the reflection in the mirror, of course getting no real reply and not expecting one.

She frowned as she strained to remember who the red-head she saw might be, what her name was, how she knew her, anything at all, but there was nothing, just a big blank canvas, an empty space where her memories used to live. Whether she was this Buffy person or not, she couldn't tell herself, but it seemed there was one man who might be able to help.

It was unlikely, she thought, that Spike would have left his room yet. The sun was barely up, and he most probably didn't have plans for at least a couple of hours, at least she hoped he didn't. Hopping out of bed she slipped out of her nightwear and into some clean clothes for the day. She didn't have to be anywhere in particular either, not until the evening when she was meeting a friend for dinner, whom she'd met in Cleveland quite some time ago.

Though she and Jonathan Jackson had never dated or anything, they'd been good friends, and she'd felt like there was a gap in her life when he was offered a promotion that would take him away from her to LA. However, it was the opportunity of a life time and as such Johnny had to take it. He and Joan had promised to keep in touch and visit each other as often as they could. He'd been back to Cleveland three times in the past six months and had insisted this time be Joan's turn to visit him. She'd agreed almost instantly and so here she was, never guessing that her arrival in California would lead to her discovering her true past. It seemed, however, that might be exactly what would happen as she picked up her purse and walked towards the door.

For a second she asked herself if she was being an idiot. Alone in a town she didn't know too well, and now going willingly into the room of a man who may or may not have known her years ago, but whom she knew nothing of except for what she assumed to be a nickname, since it was unlikely any mother would be so cruel as to name a child Spike. He was good looking, and seemed like a nice person, though appearances could be so deceiving, Joan knew that.

Nevertheless, she was outside his door by now and her fisted hand poised just short of knocking. Perhaps this was an insane idea. Perhaps she was better off not knowing what her life had once been. With a sigh she turned away, just as the door opened anyway. Unbeknownst to her, Spike had sensed her outside his door and waited for her to knock. When she hadn't and he'd known she was going to leave he hadn't been able to stop himself from going to her.

"Buffy" he said to her back as she stopped walking just a couple of steps down the hallway. She turned back, feeling ridiculous for having tears in her eyes.

"Am I?" she asked, voice shaking with emotion, "Am I Buffy? Is that my name? I don't even know" she cried and all Spike wanted to do was hold her and comfort her and promise her everything would be alright.

Without a thought he went towards her and went with his instincts, so relieved and overjoyed when she fell into his arms, though the fact she was sobbing her heart out didn't thrill him at all.

Though a voice in Joan's head was telling her what an idiot she was as she let this stranger hold her and take her into his room, for the most part she felt strangely safe and at peace in his arms, like she'd finally come home. That had to mean something, and she planned to find out exactly what that something was.

_To Be Contintued..._


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N : Really hope all you readers continue to enjoy this story. It's not necessarily going to go in the direction you think, but there will be major Spuffy, that's a promise.  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 4

"I'm sorry" Joan sniffed as she used the toilet paper Spike had handed her to dry her face, "You must think I'm so lame" she said, fighting further tears.

"Never, luv" the bleached blond assured her as he handed her a glass with a small amount of liquid in it, "Here, ought to be brandy but old Jack D's the best I got" he apologised as she took the glass from him and downed the contents in one. The alcohol burned her throat and the taste made her wince. She made a face and a strange strangled noise as if she'd been poisoned or something.

"Okay, that was gross" she said with half a smile and Spike bit his lip so as not to laugh at her reaction. She was hurting, he felt nothing but sympathy for her, but he was so thrilled to have her back he could barely stop himself for grinning.

"Dare say it is to you, pet, but it should help calm the nerves" he told her gently as he took the now empty glass from her hand and set it on the nightstand. The fact he was sitting on a bed not three feet from the woman he loved should have occurred to Spike but he was far too focused on the fact she was here at all to pay any mind to their situation.

"So" Joan sighed, having regained her composure somewhat by now, "I... I don't really know where to start"

"Me either, luv" Spike admitted with a shake of his head, "You don't know how much I... I bloody missed you pet, aren't words to tell you how much"

"I'm sorry" she said in a small voice that she didn't really recognise as her own as she studied her feet and ripped apart the tissue in her hands, "I wish I'd known you were... that there were people I..." no whole sentence made it out of her mouth as she began to cry again, wondering why she felt so emotional right now. Usually she wasn't the type to bawl so much, least not these past five years anyway.

"No, I'm sorry" Spike told her as he moved to kneel in front of her, reaching out to take her hand in his, "I never wanted to upset you, I just... Bloody hell, I wish I knew where to begin with all this but, I never for one second thought I'd see you again" he told her, a dreamy kind of smile forming on his face as he looked at her. She had red-rimmed, blood-shot eyes and a blotchy face, no make up at all and her hair was sticking out in all directions - she was as beautiful as she'd ever been to Spike.

"You thought I was dead?" she said too quietly as she stared down into his clear blue eyes, "You said Buffy was, I was dead?"

"I did at that, luv" Spike agreed, "Can't rightly understand it, certainly can't explain it, 'specially since you're... well, I don't s'pose you know anything about the world you came from"

"The world I came from?" Joan echoed, frowning now, "What do you mean by that?" she wanted to know, feeling a little scared of what this guy might be about to tell her. That she was a whore from the back streets? That she was an alien from another planet? It could be anything at all and it frightened her to realise something she hadn't thought about in years was still true - she could be anybody, or anything, and have no idea.

"You were..." Spike began only to stop again a second later, wondering how to best out what he had to say. He knew she wasn't breathing as she waited for him to speak, and the smell of fear curled off her like smoke, "No, let's start at the real beginning" he decided as he looked away and got to his feet.

Spike went to the nightstand, and picked up his wallet, rifling through it til he found what he was looking for. Next to the picture of Buffy that he carried was another dog-eared photograph of another girl, this one brunette but about the same age as the blonde in the other picture.

"See this here" Spike said as he handed the photo of the brunette to her, "This is your sister, Dawn Summers" he told her and Joan gasped as she looked upon the face of a girl that could easily be related to her. Her hair was the same shade of brown and her eyes were familiar somehow.

"Summers" she echoed, "I was... I'm Buffy Summers?" she checked and Spike nodded, smiling slightly.

"Yes, luv" he told her, "Buffy Anne Summers" he filled in her middle name as he sat down on the end of the bed opposite her, "Funny thing that, your middle name was my Mum's name" he told her, not really knowing why.

"Do I have a Mom?" Joan, who was now discovering she was Buffy, asked shakily.

"Not anymore, luv" Spike sighed, "Dear old Joyce, she passed on a while back. Few months before..., well, a few months before you actually" he said, finding it very strange to be telling a live young woman how she'd died. Though she was full of questions about her old life and family, the only thing he wanted to know was how the hell she was here and why she had no memory of anything before the day on Glory's tower when the portal had swallowed her up.

The poor girl looked teary and a little afraid as she stared at the picture of Dawn that she still held in her hand. This had to be as confusing for her as it was for Spike himself, but he knew her situation was about to get worse. To properly explain what happened to her he'd have to tell her what she was, or at least what she had been. This incarnation of her had no memory of being the Slayer. It was doubtful she realised that vampires and demons were real, she didn't even wear a cross around her neck anymore, like she always had back in Sunnydale.

"So, do we, me and, and Dawn" Buffy said uncertainly, "Did we live with my Dad?" she checked.

"Er, no, pet" Spike explained, "Never did get the full story from you, the Bit told me after. He left your Mum for a secretary or some such whore, back when you were fifteen"

"Oh" Buffy nodded as she took in what was being said to her. It was somewhat strange to have a complete stranger tell you what your life had been, and to have not one memory of any of it, except for that flash in her room...

"There was a girl" she said, eyes snapping up to look at Spike so suddenly he jumped slightly, "She had long red hair and... and she was wearing a green chequered dress?" she said uncertainly as she tried to recall the scene that had popped into her head, feeling so real.

"Reckon your mate Willow'd fit the bill" Spike said thoughtfully, head tilting to one side as he looked at the blonde, "Used to have long hair like that, and bloody awful fashion sense as a youngster... but how did you...?"

"I saw it" Joan explained, looking very uncomfortable as she thrust the picture of Dawn back into Spike's hand and got up from her seat, beginning to pace the room, "This is too weird, I, I can't deal with this" she said frustratedly.

"Can't imagine how mixed up you are right now, luv" Spike sympathised, "but I'm here to help y'know, always"

"Are you?" Buffy asked, spinning around to face him, pushing her strangely brunette hair out of her face and trying not to cry again, "Are you helping me? I don't even know if what you're telling me is true" she said, realising she was right to think he might be lying to her. After all, it was always on the news, in the papers, stories of innocent young women, lured into motel rooms by men who wanted to use them and harm them. Spike seemed nice enough but Joan knew if she'd passed him in the street she would grip her purse a little tighter and walk a little faster in the opposite direction. His look screamed bad news, and yet she was here, alone with him, trusting him like an idiot.

Though it hurt to have her stand there telling him he might be a liar and someone who would hurt her, Spike couldn't be mad at Buffy. She had a point, he could, in theory, be anybody, trying to take advantage of a young woman alone in the city. Besides she accused him of much worse in the past, and for good reason.

"I know you don't have a reason to trust me" he said calmly, "But Buffy, I would never hurt you. 'Sides which, why the hell would I have a five year old picture of you in my wallet if I didn't know you?" he asked her.

Joan just stared at him for a long moment. It would be strange for him to have such a photograph if he didn't really know her, but that didn't mean he was a nice guy. She might have known him before, but he could've been a stalker or something, maybe a boyfriend she dumped but who wouldn't leave her alone...

"That doesn't prove I can trust you" she told him, "Maybe it proves you knew me once but you don't know me now" she pointed out, "I'm not Buffy anymore, if I ever was"

"You were" Spike said firmly, "You still are, you just don't remember is all"

Joan felt like they were going in circles somewhat and she sighed, glancing down at the floor.

"You said I... Buffy, you said she died" she said, looking back up at Spike, arms wrapped around herself protectively as she talked of her old-self in the third person, "How did she die?"

Spike sighed as he stepped back and sat down on the edge of the bed once again.

"'S a bigger question than you think, pet" he told her, hands going to his face then running back through his hair as he rested his elbows on his knees, "I'd have to start a might further back than that day if you were ever going to understand" he told her and Joan edged carefully around the room, retaking her seat opposite him, still holding herself and both looking and smelling a little afraid.

"Start from the beginning" she said more quietly and shakily than she meant to, "Tell me everything"

"Everything, eh?" Spike checked, an eyebrow raised, "Could take a fair while"

Joan checked her watch and made herself as comfortable as possible in the chair.

"I have a few hours to kill" she said, trying for nonchalance but failing badly, "How about you?"

"For you, luv?" Spike smiled, "Got all the time in the world"

"Okay then" she nodded, pulling her legs up underneath her and watching him closely, "Tell me the story of Buffy Anne Summers"

"Alright" Spike nodded slowly, "Once upon a time there was a girl who, at the age of fifteen, found out she had a destiny..."

* * *

"...so she knew there was a choice to make" Spike continued, staring at a spot on the carpet as if it held the answers to the world's problems, "Let her sister die to save the world, or give up her own life for the cause" he explained, still speaking of Buffy in the third person as he had for the whole story, despite the fact she was sitting right in front of him, paying rapt attention to his every word but never speaking or reacting herself, "Wasn't a hard decision, not for her. She was a hero, a champion. She did what any hero or champion would do, she jumped into that portal and it swallowed her whole... and then it was over"

Spike ended his tale, eyes glancing up to meet Joan's and she saw the evidence of tears in his eyes. Either he was a superb actor or everything he'd told her in the past hours was true. As insane as it all sounded, tales of vampires and hell-gods and a sister that wasn't really her sibling at all, it was as likely an explanation as any for her ending up in an alley five years ago with no memory of herself or anything else. Of all the horrible scenarios she'd come up with in her own head over the years, terrible things that might've led to her memory loss and abandonment in one of the many dark back roads of Cleveland, Joan like this idea best. She'd been a hero, a warrior, someone who saved people, and had lost herself into the bargain.

"You okay, luv?" Spike's voice cut through her silent musings and she stared across at him with confusion in her eyes.

"I don't know" she admitted, "I... It's all a little much to take in"

"S'pose it is at that" Spike nodded in agreement, "But it is the truth, Buffy, I swear it"

Though Joan nodded her head as if she believed him, her mind was spinning at a hundred miles an hour and she wondered what she really did believe here.

A world with spells, and magicks, and superpowers, as unlikely as that might be it sounded strangely comforting compared to any other explanation that might be given for her life.

Joan glanced around the room, the clock catching her attention at that moment. She hadn't realised quite how long she'd been sitting there, just listening to Spike tell her a tale that was apparently her life story and yet might have been no more than a fairytale.

"God, is that really the time?" she gasped, "I'm supposed to be... There's someone I'm supposed to meet" she scrambled to her feet but so long of sitting in the one position meant her legs didn't work quite as well as they might. Spike was there to catch her before she fell, his hands on her arms steadying her.

"Thank you" she said as she gazed up at him, both of them knowing she meant it for more than the simple act of stopping her from toppling over. He was helping her discover the life she'd lost and for that she would always be grateful - should it turn out to be the truth of course, she reminded herself.

"You're welcome, luv" he told her, with a slight smile as she moved away.

"How long are you here for?" Joan asked, turning back at the door to look at him.

"Er, s'posed to be heading home again tonight" Spike said with a frown as he remembered what he'd told Dawnie, "but, plans are changeable if you..."

"I do" she answered his question before he'd even asked it, "I, I need some time to think but... could we talk some more, later?"

"Look forward to it, pet" Spike smiled, loving that she was back and moreover that she wanted to spend time with him. The fear was gone, and when she smiled at him he knew it was genuine. It meant the world to him, though he knew it couldn't last as she went out of he door and it clicked shut behind her. Though he'd told her of her own life, he'd mentioned little of his. How would her opinion of him change when she found out he was part of the same evil faction she was born to fight against?

_To Be Continued...  
_


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N : Spike isn't in the habit of calling the Scoobies when he has a problem, especially since Giles, Willow, and Tara, are all in England now, and Xander and Anya have moved away from Sunnydale too. He thinks he can handle this thing with Buffy all by himself, but can he...?  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 5

"So to cut a long story short, he played into her hands, left with the other woman, and now his wife is screwing him for everything he's worth" Jonathan Jackson chuckled as he told his friend about the latest case he'd been working on at the law firm where he was employed. It was only when he glanced up from his very expensive dinner that he realised not only was Joan not eating her own meal, but that she also hadn't heard a word he'd said.

"So I was thinking" he said, staring at her as she in turn stared down at her plate, pushing various vegetable pieces around amongst the pasta, "Maybe I should just take off all my clothes and run naked around the restaurant yelling 'Yee-ha!' You wanna join me?"

"Sure" Joan said absently, before her head suddenly shot up, her eyes wide as she looked at her friend, "What!" she squeaked making Jonathan laugh loudly.

"Where the hell have you been for the past half hour?" he asked, with a shake of his head, "Cos you sure as hell haven't been here with me"

"I'm sorry" Joan said guiltily, "Really, I mean I come all this way to see you and then spend my time all otherwhere"

"Something serious is going on in that pretty little head of yours" Jonathan guessed, "Anything you wanna tell me about?"

"You wouldn't believe me if I did tell you" Joan smiled, "And honestly, I don't wanna talk about it, I'd rather talk about you"

"We were talking about me" her friend reminded her, "And I lost you to the land of who-knows-where"

"Again, with the big sorrys" Joan winced, "Really, I want to hear about stuff, everything you've been doing, tell me, I'm attentive-gal" she promised, propping her chin on her hand, her elbow on the table as she stared across at him, overly enthusiastically.

"Well, honestly" Jonathan sighed, glancing away and then back up to meet her eyes, "Most of what I've been doing is... missing you"

Joan smiled as that and reached across the table to put her hand in his.

"I miss you too" she told him, "You know that. You're one of my best friends, Johnny, it's not like I was going to forget about you as soon as you left the state"

"I know" he nodded, unable to keep his eyes on hers as he struggled to tell her what he so desperately wanted to say, "I know we're good friends and all but... Joanie, you have to know you mean more to me than just that"

"Johnny..." Joan's expression turned from friendly to awkward as she tried to retract her hand from his, but he held on tight.

"Sweetheart, I don't want to scare you, or ruin what we have as friends, but I've gotta tell you the truth" Jonathan said seriously, making himself look her in the eye, "I love you, I mean, I'm in love with you. I thought I was before and I came so close to asking you to come to LA with me when I left, but I figured I was just being crazy" he laughed slightly to himself, "But the longer I'm out here, the more I miss you, you're all I think about, dream about... Joan Winters, I can't get you out of my head"

Tears filled his friends eyes as she listened to what he had to say. This wasn't happening. Jonathan was her best friend and of course she loved him dearly, but she'd never thought of him this way. He was never supposed to feature romantically in her life, she never for one moment thought he'd want to.

"Say something, Joanie, please" he begged her when she was silent too long.

"I... I don't know what to say" she admitted as she pulled her hand from his and this time he let her fingers slide away, looking down at the table cloth and at least half-regretting his admission of love. He'd thought about telling her before he'd left Cleveland. He wanted to believe she felt the same and that she'd come with him to California where they could live happily ever after, but he's lost his confidence at the last moment and gone alone, thinking that maybe with some distance between them he'd see his situation with Joan differently. Maybe his feelings for her were not what he thought, he'd told himself, but these past few months had proved him a liar. He lived for the days when she called or emailed, he counted the days, hours, minutes to when he could catch a flight back home, his real home, where she was, just the same as he'd counted down the time when she said she was coming here to see him in Los Angeles. He was in love, head over heels, and drowning in all he felt for a woman who apparently wasn't too thrilled to be the object of his affections, if the look on her face was anything to go by.

Inside Joan's head, her world as spinning. This was just too much to take in. After all Spike had told her, about the woman she really was and the world she really came from, all she'd wanted was a few hours to digest it, some quality time spent with a man that was familiar to her. In the mess of uncertainty that was her life, Jonathan was her constant friend, someone she could depend on to always be there, and be normal in her crazy world. Now he was telling her he was in love with her, shaking the very foundations of their relationship and turning it upside down.

"Joanie, isn't there any chance you could feel the same about me?" Jonathan asked her desperately, "I just thought..."

"Johnny, please" Joan frowned, shaking her head as she got up from her seat, "I need to, to think about this. It's kind of a shock"

Jonathan opened his mouth to say something else, maybe convince her to stay somehow, but he knew all attempts would be futile. He'd scared her, he hadn't meant to but he knew he'd done it as she backed away from the table. She was half way to the door when she turned back and mouthed 'I'm sorry' before disappearing from sight.

Jonathan cursed under his breath, feeling like such an idiot. Part of him considered running after Joan but he figured she needed some time alone. He knew her well enough as a friend to know when it was best to chase her and when she was best left to her own devices. He called the waiter over and asked for the bill and a second later his cell phone rang into life on the table.

"Jackson" he said as he took the call and a stern voice on the other end of the line told him he was needed at work, some kind of emegerney meeting.

"At least it'll take my mind off her" Jonathan sighed, "For all of two seconds"

* * *

"I know what I promised Dawnie but things have changed since yesterday" Spike said into his cell-phone as he walked down the street from the garage back to the hotel, "Got a little business to attend to before I come home"

"What kind of business?" the brunette asked, suspicion in her tone.

"'S complicated, luv" Spike said, hating himself for even half-lying to her.

Of course it was true that the situation was complicated, but he still wasn't telling the absolute truth. He ought to be telling the Bit about Buffy, telling her to get herself to LA and see the sister she thought she'd lost forever, but he couldn't do that. There was a chance that Buffy, or Joan as she called herself now, was gone already from the town, even the state, and that Spike would never see her again. He was still wondering if she was real, if he wasn't about to wake up in a gutter somewhere and realise he'd dreamt the whole thing. Whatever was real, whatever wasn't, he couldn't raise Dawn's hopes, not when there was a chance of them being dashed. The poor young thing, she'd suffered enough in her life without him piling on more pain.

"If it's demony you should tell me" Dawn said firmly, "You know I can help, even call the gang if it's a big"

"I can handle it Sweet Bit" Spike promised her, "Trust old Spike, don't you?" he checked, knowing she really shouldn't right now, since he wasn't telling her the whole truth.

"Of course I do" she promised him, "Always. Just, whatever you're doing, be careful. I need you to come home, if not tonight then eventually" she told him, a slight shake in her voice that he picked up on.

"I promise you, Bit, I will be back as soon as I can be" he swore to her, "You got my bloody word on it"

Dawn seemed satisfied with that and reminding the vampire how much she loved her older-brother-guy, the pair said their goodbyes and hung up.

Spike sighed to himself as he pushed his phone into his inside picket and pulled out a packet of cigarettes, lighting up as he continued his walk back to the motel. The guy at the garage had finished his car but for a few extra dollars Spike had convinced him to keep hold of it til the next night.  
If he were a normal man, Spike would never have made such a deal with a bloke like that, but a flash of his game face had been insurance enough that the guy at the garage would not be going back on the deal at all.

Of course, the thought had occurred to Spike that leaving LA meant leaving Buffy, if she was still around. He wasn't sure he could do that, and yet he couldn't leave Dawn alone too long. Caught between two women he adored in very different ways, it wasn't the first time for Spike, but that didn't make it any easier.

The bleached blond vampire blew smoke into the air, throwing the butt of his now spent cigarette to the ground and crushed it under the heel of his boot. He glanced up at the building in front of him, the motel where he was staying. Buffy might be in there, sitting in her room thinking about her life, what it had been and what it was now. She'd seemed to believe him before, and he'd been thrilled when she mentioned a girl that seemed to be Willow. If he'd triggered thoughts of Red somehow, surely it couldn't be long before more memories returned to the Slayer. Before long she could recall everything and be ready, willing, and able to return to Sunnydale with him where Dawn would welcome her sister with open arms and life would be as it should be. Spike was not so stupid that he didn't realise things would be less good between him and Buffy when she either remembered or he told her what he really was, but he could deal with that if it just meant having her around.

With a needlessly deep breath, Spike climbed the stairs and went through the front door of the motel, heading for the elevator that would take him back to his room. He'd considered patrolling the streets for a while, get some violence whilst it was dark, but after visiting the garage and getting himself a meal round the back of a butchers shop open late, he found he didn't feel much like pounding on the nasties LA had to offer. Thoughts of both Buffy and Dawn kept his mind too busy to dare to start a fight this evening, he was too preoccupied and the last thing he wanted was end up dust in the wind, leaving both his girls behind.

"Bloody hell" he swore as he stepped out of the elevator on the correct floor and looked towards the door of his temporary room. There was Buffy, sitting in front of his door her knees pulled up to her chest, her face obviously red from crying as she looked up, pushing her brunette hair out of her eyes.

"You weren't here" she said softly as Spike approached and knelt in front of her, "I needed to talk, like we said I... I saw something else"

"Oh, pet" Spike sighed, getting hold of her hands and helping her to her feet, "Come on then, luv, tell Spike all about it" he said gently as he got the door open and they went inside. Whoever or whatever had upset her, the bleached blond vamp was already planning ways to make them suffer for hurting his girl.

_To Be Continued..._


	6. Chapter 6

_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 6

"Think you can tell me what happened now, pet?" Spike asked carefully as Buffy finished off the glass of water he'd got for her. She glanced at him, managing a half smile and nodding slowly.

"It was stupid, really" she admitted with a sigh, "I don't really know why I came here..."

"Gotta say, I'm glad you did" Spike told her with a smile, "Must prove you believe what I was telling you"

"I do" Buffy nodded once again, "I thought I did before, but everything was so confusing" she said as she looked away, "I thought it'd be better when I saw Jonathan"

"Who's he then?" Spike asked, jealousy edging his tone. Though of course he'd realised she must have a life somewhere with those people who knew her as Joan Winters, it hadn't quite occurred to Spike that there would be a man in Buffy's life now. Hell, she could be engaged, even married for all he knew!

"He's a friend" Buffy said uncertainly, "He was my best friend but then... he kinda told me he loved me" she said, running through the events in her head once again and still finding it difficult to make sense of the sudden declaration from her dear friend. What had her more mixed up than Jonathan's affection for her was the fact she'd heard Spike say the exact same words, as the real world had faded out and her mind replayed a short scene that she assumed to be a memory, much like before when she'd seen the red-head Spike referred to as Willow.

"There's more to this than your boy layin' his heart on the line" Spike said it more like a statement than a question. He knew this wasn't as simple as it was sounding so far.

"There is" Buffy admitted, looking up at Spike and then down at her own hands where they rested in her lap, playing with a loose thread at the edge of her shirt, "You were there" she said, feeling ridiculous just saying it. Of course Spike hadn't actually been there, but she'd seen him as plain as if he'd been three feet in front of her.

"You saw me?" Spike checked, head tilting to one side as he stared at her, "Another one of your flashes, like when you saw Red?" he asked and she nodded once again.

"Jonathan was saying stuff and then it was you and... it was the same words but I was in another place" she tried to explain, "My arms wouldn't move, and it was cold and dark, but you were there, and... it wasn't scary" she said, ducking her head behind her hair when he wouldn't stop looking at her.

It was almost the exact same look on his face right now as it had been in that memory. She could almost physically see the love flowing out of his eyes for her and she knew what she'd seen before had to be real. All that he'd told her just had to be true, how else would she be seeing things like this, and feeling so comfortable around a man that ought to have been a complete stranger.

"It happened" she said, meeting his eyes, "You told me you loved me, just like he did. I saw the past" she said, a statement not a question since she was so certain it was true.

"Reckon that's exactly what you saw, pet" Spike told her softly, "Did some bloody stupid things in my time, went about things all the wrong way, including the day I told you how I felt about you, but it's been over five years, Buffy, and I swear to you, I love you as much now as I did then"

Buffy wasn't sure how to react to that, though somehow it was less scary hearing these words from Spike than it had been hearing similar declarations from Jonathan.

"I know you do" she nodded, frowning as she said it, "I don't know how I know" she admitted, "but I do. I believe you"

Spike couldn't stop the grin that spread across his face at the sound of those words. All the 'you can't love without a soul' crap he'd endured from this woman, and her friends both before and after her death. Now she believed, now she knew, just by looking at him and being here with him that his feelings were deep and real. He loved her like he'd never loved anyone before and though she wasn't saying she felt the same, she at least conceded that he knew his own mind and heart, that was a step forward.

The pleasure he felt in that moment was only slightly spoilt by the little voice in the back of his head, reminding him that Buffy had no reason to call him a liar yet. She did not know what he was, what he had done, that he had existed in the world many more lifetimes than he should ever have done, and with a demon inside him instead of a soul.

"Spike?" she said uncertainly when he was quiet too long and seemed to have floated off into his own little world.

"What's that, luv?" he asked, snapping back to the present.

"I... I'm so glad I met you here" she told him, "and I want to know about my past but... God, I'm so scared" she admitted as she laughed and cried at the same time, tears running down her cheeks which she tried to wipe away with the back of her hand, "The not knowing was so awful but this... I'm just so scared of what I might remember next" she sobbed and immediately Spike was sitting beside her on the bed, his arms pulling her too him and hugging her tight. She didn't protest at all and her body relaxed against him as she cried.

Buffy felt as if crying was all she were good for lately, but it wasn't all bad tears, some were definitely of the happy kind, to know her life before Cleveland had not been all bad. She'd had nightmares about where she might have come from, how terrible her life might've been before. Since meeting Spike and being told of her past, all fears had been quelled, most worries laid to rest. She had been a hero in her 'other life' as she referred to it in her head, a good person with a family and friends who loved her, and apparently a man who loved her too.

Strange as it seemed it was this old world she'd come from that was making more sense to Buffy right now than the new one. Jonathan, who had been one of her very best friends for so long, had set her world into a spin by telling her he loved her as passionately as he did. Being with Spike, knowing from the start what he felt for her, somehow that was simpler. She felt more comfortable in his arms right now than she had anywhere else for the past five years - it was almost like coming home.

* * *

"Dawnie?" Jason called as he let himself into the back door of 1630 Revello Drive, "Dawn, you here?" he checked as he walked through the house and found her at the table, surrounded by piles of books. He was quite used to finding her like this when there was some kind of Hellmouth crisis. It hadn't been too much of a shock when she'd introduced him to her world, far from it. He was born and grew up in Sunnydale, surrounded by the strangeness and things that go bump in the night. In a lot of ways it was a relief to find out there were real explanations for the bizarre happenings around town.

"Hey" Dawn said absently, nose stuck in her book still, "How was work?"

"Very work-like" he smiled as he took the chair beside her, "God, I hate the night shift" he declared with a yawn, stretching his arms above his head.

Jason was training in medicine and as such worked irregular hours at the hospital as well as attending college. It was fortunate really that his parents could afford to help out with paying for his education as well as his wedding to Dawn, as the young couple had very little cash themselves. Spike earnt enough to help out of course, and Giles sent very generous gifts quite often, but Mr and Mrs Green had been a great help. Spike often told Dawn she was bloody lucky to fall in love with a rich sod like Jason, and she was never entirely sure whether he was joking or serious.

"Are we under attack again?" Jason asked when it seemed his fiancee was paying very little attention to him, "Cos when I went out it was bride's magazine you had your nose stuck in and now... well, that's not a bride" he observed, gesturing to a picture of a rather disgusting demon on the page of an abandoned book on the table.

"Huh?" Dawn said as she glanced up at him finally, "What?"

"Sweetheart, what's going on?" he asked her, putting a hand to her face just to make sure he kept her focus on him instead of the page for a few seconds.

"Spike's not coming home yet" she sighed, "He said he had business to deal with and he'd be back tomorrow night... or tonight" she amended, catching sight of the clock and seeing it was now five in the morning. She's been sitting here for hours.

"And all the books are for...?" Jason prompted not really understanding yet.

"To find whatever demon it is that Spike is dealing with" she air quoted, "I was looking through the Watcher Diaries, there's a whole bunch of demons that Spike had 'unfinished business' with, it could be any one of them he's going to fight, I just want to make sure he's going to be okay, and..."

"Dawnie" Jason interrupted fast, knowing if he waited for her to stop for breath they might be there all day, "Honey, did you ever think that maybe Spike's just having a good time in LA?" he smiled, leaning in close to her, "Or that maybe he thought we could do without him for another night?" he smirked slightly, before putting his lips gently to hers.

"Maybe" she conceded with a sigh, wondering just briefly how one kiss from the guy she loved could still have such an effect on her. She really could not wait to marry him.

"There's a hundred and one reasons why Spike might wanna stay out an extra night, Dawn" Jason told her, "Could be gambling, drinking, met up with an old friend, even, y'know, made a new friend?" he said with a filthy look that made Dawn gasp.

"Jason!" she made a face as she batted him across the arm, "Eeeww" she exclaimed, knowing exactly what her fiance meant and not liking the idea much. Though she'd once had a huge crush on Spike, it was a long time ago now and he was very much her older brother figure these days. The last mental image she needed was Spike having sex, with anyone at all.

"Dawn, he's a man" Jason rolled his eyes, "Okay, so he's a vampire too, but he's still physically a human male, and we have urges y'know" he shrugged.

"Oh, I know" she said, with a nod, moving from her own seat to sit in Jason's lap, her arms going round his neck as she pulled him close and kissed him with a passion, "I don't have to be anywhere for hours" she told him softly, "Wanna take me to bed?"

Jason wasn't so stupid that he needed asking twice.

* * *

Spike could hardly believe what was happening as he lay on the motel room bed, his arms around the woman he adored as she slept soundly beside him, her head resting on his chest, one arm and leg across his body as she kept her grip on him like he was her security blanket or something. She'd cried for so long and then started yawning. He'd suggested she get some kip but she said she couldn't bear to be alone. He'd offered the bed to her, but it seemed even that had been too lonely for her.

Spike never thought that simply holding someone as they slept could evoke such feelings in a person, but it did. There was such warmth in his heart, such love and trust he felt as he watched Buffy breathe in and out, felt her body move against his as she shifted in her sleep.

She believed him, knew his love for her was real, and somehow accepted without question that all he'd told her was true. One might say she was incredibly naive to take the word of a stranger and accept it as truth as easily as she had, but Spike knew it wasn't stupidity that had led her to be here. Fate had intervened and brought his Slayer back it him, even if truth be told she was not 'his' Slayer at all. She knew that what he told her was true, and as real as anything could be.

Spike knew how it was, that overwhelming feeling that something was just right, correct, true, real, without having a real reason why or a proper explanation. He knew because it was how he felt right now, and every time he was in the company of Miss Buffy Summers. She had bewitched him so many years ago, turned him from a hunter to the hunted as he fought at her side against the nastier element of Sunnyhell. Now she was back, and as strongly as ever he felt his love for her overcome him. She made the world seem right, complete, something it had not been at all during her five year absence.

Just for now, Spike was enjoying the simple pleasure of being close to the woman he loved. This might be the only night he got to spend with her so comfortable around him. Though she was starting to remember things and he had told her a great deal, his true identity had not been revealed. The fact that he was a vampire and that he had met the Slayer originally with plans to kill her, these things had not been mentioned and when they were, Spike dreaded to think how the girl would react.

'She has to know' a little voice sing-songed in the back of his mind, a nasty, niggling, far too cheery and evil voice, that was not unlike that of Spike's grand-sire Angelus as it taunted him with the truth, 'She has to know, and when she does, you're history, William' it said cruelly, making Spike almost physically wince. Unconsciously he guessed he must have moved or made a sound enough to wake poor Buffy as she jerked violently and was awake.

The young woman sat up so fast her head spun and she clearly wasn't sure where she was as her eyes darted around the unfamiliar room.

"'S alright, pet" Spike said gently, sitting up beside her, "You're in LA, remember? With me, Spike" he reminded her.

"I... I remember" she said shakily, running a hand over her face, "I think I dreamt... or I remembered" she said, shivering by now, though even Buffy herself was not sure whether it was cold or fear that was causing her to do it.

"You saw something else, luv?" Spike asked as he sat close beside her, not daring to touch her yet. Though he'd held her for hours before now, he wasn't sure it was such a good idea when she was in this state. He'd done a few things in his past that he'd rather Buffy didn't remember and if she did, she certainly wasn't going to feel like giving him a hug.

"A monster" she said, eyes still flicking around, before she finally turned and looked at Spike, "He loved me too, but then... Oh God" she gasped, tears coming to her eyes once again and her hand going to her face, "It was me" she choked out, "We were together and then..."

"You talkin' about Angel, pet?" Spike checked, putting together her fragmented sentences and coming up with what he felt was the most likely person. She'd only had three blokes in love with her as far as the vampire knew. One was himself, one was his grand-sire, and the other was the tin soldier, Riley Finn. The only one she could really be describing as both lover and monster was Angel.

"What did I do to him, Spike?" she cried, gratefully falling into his embrace once again.

The vampire himself hated that all this was so painful for her. He'd been overjoyed to find her, to realise she was not dead but alive in the world, just not his part of it. He'd been selfish in his joy, not thinking about all the nasty memories that she would have been glad to be rid of should she be able to recall she'd ever had them. Spike had thought only of himself and possibly Dawn, the happy times they'd managed to have before, and those they might have in the future with Buffy back in their lives.

The two most important facts Spike had overlooked was the Slayer's new life complete with friends and family, and the heartache she must endure as she remembered things probably best forgotten. Looked as if he'd be the one who helped her deal with them, and he'd do so happily however long and painful the process might be. It was the truth when he'd told Buffy he loved her as much now as he had then, the only half-lie might have been that in fact he loved her more now than ever before.

"Gonna get you through this, luv" he promised her, absently kissing the top of her head as he held her tight and rubbed her back soothingly, "Whatever it takes, gonna get you through"

Her tears slowed, her body convulsing less violently until eventually she was still. Buffy raised her head from his chest and looked up him with red-rimmed eyes, her face all blotchy from crying too much and her make-up spoilt - still she'd never looked more beautiful to Spike.

"You'll take care of me" she said softly, her lips so close, he could feel her breath on his face.

"I will" he promised her, glad to see her smile slightly at that. His happiness turned to delighted shock as she closed the last tiny gap between them and put her lips to his in a sweet kiss. The moment was brief and Buffy soon pulled back though not much, just enough to look at Spike properly, a questioning look in her eyes.

"Take care of me?" she said, almost shyly, waiting a second before leaning in and kissing him again, this time with a little more certainty in her actions.

Maybe she was crazy, Buffy wasn't sure anymore. What she did know was that Joan may be the name she'd given herself, but Buffy was who she was. This Slayer that Spike spoke of, the one he loved and adored, it was her, and she was glad of it.

For whatever reason she felt safer and more comfortable with him and than she ever remembered feeling with anyone else before. She planned to make the most of that before it was too late. If her experiences in the past five years, and losing her memory as she had done had taught her anything at all it was to live for now, because tomorrow might never come.

_To Be Continued..._


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N : Questions will soon be answered and there will be at least one plot twist that you're probably no expecting. So glad this story is popular with you guys, always great to know it's not just me thats enjoying it.  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 7

Spike had dreamt this day a hundred, maybe even a thousand times, both before and since he'd lost his love. A day when he and Buffy might be together, when she might want him like he wanted her. The precious moment when she came willingly into his arms and told him everything he wanted to hear as she kissed and touched him, as they made sweet love together. The reality was better than any fantasy he'd ever had, his first sweet and tender experience of this kind with the woman he adored most in the world. It didn't matter that she never actually said she loved him, or that she looked a little different to the picture he'd carried both in his mind and his wallet these past five years. She was his Slayer, and he loved her, and she'd proven now that she felt something for him at least as they'd travelled to heaven and back in each others arms. She was still there now, willingly in his embrace, warm body nestled next to his colder form. She hadn't seemed to think it was strange that he was so cold, but then the two of them had been so wrapped up in emotions and passion it wasn't entirely surprising, he supposed.

Though these moments were the most wonderful he'd ever known, there was a slightly sad edge to them, a rim of darkness that spoilt the picture perfectness of it all. Buffy didn't know who he really was, hell, she only knew half the truth about who she herself was, and yet Spike had let things progress between them at such a rate, he felt terribly guilty. It was a little strange for a supposedly soulless demon such as himself to feel such powerful remorse, but Spike wasn't one for contemplating the physics or mythology as to how it were possible. It was Angel's mission statement to brood as much as possible over the meaning of his existence, and the presence of his soul.

Spike's own unlife was built around Buffy and Dawn and what he could do to help them, and prove how much he loved them. He was seriously wondering how he was ever going to do either after this. There was simply no way to keep the truth about his 'condition' from Buffy and when she knew there was every reason to believe she'd run as fast as possible in the opposite direction, or possibly just stake him on the spot should the thought occur to her.

She made a little sound in her sleep, a smile gracing her lips as she snuggled in closer to him, her leg shifting to lie over his, her arm sliding further across his chest. Spike held onto her as he had been doing for a couple of hours now, so very aware that this might be his only chance to be so close to her. He didn't want to waste a second of it he thought, as he dropped a kiss on the top of her head, one hand playing with her dark hair. She looked just as beautiful as a brunette as she had as a blonde he realised, still very much his Slayer, no matter what changes she made to her physical appearance. Her eyes gave her away almost as much as her scent did, and it was only as he had this thought he realised those hazel orbs he'd been thinking of were now open and staring up at him with a mixture of shyness and, dare he hope to think, love?

"Hi" she said softly, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to fall asleep so fast" she admitted, cheeks tingeing with pink as she blushed.

"Not to worry, luv" he replied, kissing her forehead, "You had a long day and a rough night, I didn't mind"

"You might just be the sweetest guy I ever met" she told him with a giddy smile, her expression turning more serious again within seconds as she reached up and kissed him hungrily, her passion for him growing once again.

Far from her earlier thoughts that she must be crazy to let herself do this, Buffy was now wondering if she'd been insane five or six years before. She had apparently known Spike in her other life, her life that she had little memory of, and yet it seemed as though she hadn't wanted him then. He'd been nothing but kind to her since she'd met him here in LA, he hadn't tried anything with her and it had taken some serious encouragement to even get him to kiss her properly. Still, she knew this was right, from the moment they lie down together on the bed and began to help each other out of their clothes. The look in his eyes, a fiery hunger, but along with it so much love it almost overwhelmed her. Though she was sure she wasn't a virgin physically, she had no solid memory of making love before. There was a vague dream about the man Spike had called Angel, but no real knowledge of what to expect.

To Buffy, being with Spike felt like heaven on Earth. He was the perfect combination of passion and tenderness as he made her feel like a Goddess. Sleep had claimed her too fast afterwards and now she was awake again, revived by her slumber she wanted a chance to feel that way again, so loved, so wanted, so completely content. For the first time in five years she'd found a place where everything made sense and felt right, here in Spike's arms.

Unfortunately it seemed her lover was not so keen to repeat their pleasure as he pulled away from her and swung his legs out of the bed. She thought he was going to run away but he stopped, sitting on the edge of the bed with his face in his hands.

"You regret it" she said sadly, as tears filled her eyes, "What we did you... you wish we hadn't now" she bit her lip, desperately fighting the urge to cry, her heart was breaking. To her the experience had been beyond perfect, but judging by Spike's actions he did not feel the same.

"I'm sorry I was such a disappointment" she cried, hating that it hurt so much. She turned intending to get out of the other side of the bed, but his hand on her arm stopped her, pulling her back to him. The way he kissed her then proved the love she'd been so certain of last night, and that only confused her more. If he loved her so much why was he running so hot and cold?

"Buffy, my love" he sighed, forehead leaning against hers, his hand in her hair, "Sweetheart, last night, it meant everything to me, you mean the world... I can't even begin to tell you how much I love you"

"Then why...?" she never managed to finish her question as he interrupted.

"There are things, about me, about yourself, about the world we come from..." he told her sadly, "There's so much you don't know, I should never have let it happen without telling you"

"Then tell me now" Buffy begged him, catching his hand when he tried to retract it from her face, "Tell me what I don't know, I promise it won't matter, it won't make me regret what we did, Spike" she assured him, kneeling on the bed in front of him and taking his face in her hands, "I never knew I could feel like this, you... you make me feel so many things, and all at once. It's like the missing pieces from my life just got put back in" she tried to explain, all the time looking deep into his eyes so she was sure he knew she meant every word, "For the first time in five years, it doesn't matter that I don't remember things, and I'm not scared of being told the truth about what happened to me. That's all because of you"

"I wish it was as simple as you make it sound, luv" he told her, breaking eye contact as he removed her hands from his face and turned his back on her, standing up from the bed and looking around for his pants.

"I know things can't be simple" Buffy told him, "I know life is hard, after what I've been through, in this life and before when I knew you in Sunnydale" she said, "You think you're the only person that has it tough, Spike!" she asked him, voice rising both out of slight hysteria and anger, "Well, it's the same for everybody. Life's a bitch, and then you die!"

Spike laughed at that, not a normal regular laugh, but a loud and somewhat pained, almost maniacal laugh that made Buffy vary wary of herself and her state of undress. He looked almost crazed when he turned and looked at her, picking her clothing up from the floor a piece at a time and tossing it onto the bed in front of her, his laughter over, as suddenly as it had begun.

"See now, luv, there's the kicker" he said, shaking his head as he added her skirt to the small heap of clothes and barely looked at her as she took the oppurtunity to redress herself, "Life ain't a bitch for me, hasn't been for years now" he admitted, pulling his t-shirt over his head.

"I don't understand" Buffy admitted and Spike hated himself a little more when he realised it was the slightest hint of fear he could smell coming off her.

"Believe me when I tell you I wish you didn't have to" Spike shook his head looking down at the carpet before finally meeting her eyes as she now stood a few feet in front of him, fully-clothed, "Pet, you remember what I told you about you being the Slayer?"

"It's not like I'm gonna forget that too fast" Buffy told him, "I was..., I am" she amended, "a Vampire Slayer, I fought evil and killed demons and, well, vampires"

"Yeah, staked all the soddin' vampires for miles" Spike smirked, "'Cept good old Soul Boy Angel of course" he said pausing before he added, "and one other"

"What other?" Buffy frowned, "There was another vampire with a soul?" she asked, finding the words still sounded so foreign to her - Slayer, vampire, fighting, and evil, so far from the world she'd lived in these past five years, the quiet life with friends, and a job, and normalcy.

"Not exactly like you think, luv" Spike brought her back to the present as he spoke, "There was a vamp, got caught by the Initiative" he explained.

"The commandos guys at the college?" she checked she recalled the things he'd told her correctly and Spike nodded in agreement.

"The very same. They put this chip in the poor bugger's head, a device to stop him harming people" he went on to explain, "Gave him a right royal headache if he so much a looked the wrong way at a human, though he could hit demons well enough" he sighed, knowing this was just the easy part.

Eventually she was going to ask who this vampire was he spoke of and then that hate would be back in her eyes, the terrible look of disgust that had been there years before every time he looked at her.

"This vamp, he couldn't feed, was turned on by his own kind, and he came to you, for sanctuary"

"What happened to him?" Buffy asked in total innocence. The real Slayer, the girl she'd been before her memory deserted her would have figured this out in a second. The fact Spike was cold to the touch, the way he seemed to always be in the dark, curtains drawn when the sun was out, but this wasn't completely Buffy. There were parts missing, instincts and memories that she would need if she was going to answer her own question. As it was that job fell to another right now.

"Spike, tell me" she begged him, hating that there seemed to be something she was missing, she'd borne too much of that these past years, "What happened to the vampire?" she asked again.

Spike's eyes had been trained on the floor once again but he looked up at her now with regret and pain visible on his face.

"Funny story really" he said, not looking at all like he believed in the humour he spoke of, "Poor bugger fell in love... with you"

For a full minute Buffy could do nothing but stand and stare as she took in what she was being told. Spike was the vampire, it was plain as day that this is what he meant and yet her brain couldn't process it. Though all he'd told her had been a shock, all the things about demons, and witches, and Hellmouths, and Slayers, finding out the man she'd just spent the night with, the first man in five years who she felt truly comfortable with and at peace in the arms of, was her sworn enemy. He was what she was born to fight, born to kill, and yet he loved her and she'd been starting to wonder if, given time, she could feel the same.

"Oh my God" she gasped eventually, hand covering her mouth as the tears in her eyes finally spilled down her cheeks. It pained Spike to see her so upset and because of him and what he'd told her. Still, she had to know the truth eventually, and surely sooner had to be better than later, or at least he'd thought so before his confession. Now he hated himself even more and just wished Buffy would say something, anything to break the deafening silence that engulfed them.

"You... you're..." the blonde tried to speak, but no proper sentence would form in her mouth, "Oh my God" she repeated, backing up a couple more steps towards the door.

"Buffy, please" Spike said as he took a step forward, stopping when she moved further away til her back hit the door, "I would never hurt you, luv, I swear it" he promised her, "But I had to tell you"

"Why?" she cried openly by now, face awash with tears, "Why did you have to ruin this? For the first time in five years, I... and you just..." she couldn't speak as emotion took away her voice and she fought to get the door open so she could escape.

Though Spike was desperate to do the right thing, let her go if she wanted, he couldn't do it. He loved her so much and what they'd shared had meant the world to him. What she felt couldn't have changed so much in the past ten minutes, truth about vampires be damned.

"Buffy, I swear, this doesn't change how I feel about you" he said, going after her, grabbing her arm as she tried to disappear through the door.

"Well, it changes how I feel about you" she admitted, though she couldn't look him in the eyes when she said it, "I trusted you, I... I can't now" she said, pulling her arm free and running off towards the stairs.

Spike gave chase to began in with but was forced to stop as a large window flooded the hallway with sunlight. Buffy glanced back and spotted the reason why he couldn't follow anymore, before hurrying away, still in floods of tears that would not stop coming.

_To Be Continued..._


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N : For those who didn't understand, Buffy was more freaked out by Spike lying to her than by him being a vamp. For the first time she could remember she felt happy and safe and then she finds out he hadn't told her the whole truth. Anywho, I will fix it as I always do and the Spuffy will return in due course...  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 8

Buffy thought briefly that she'd never been so confused as she was now, but she knew that wasn't true. The day she'd first arrived in Cleveland, not knowing where she was, who she was, or anything, that was worse than this. At least in this situation she was now in full possession of those facts and many more, some of which she was glad to know and others not so much.

The last few hours had seemed so perfect as she made love with Spike and fell asleep in his arms. He was so kind to her, so gentle and tender and loving, and for the first time in years she felt safe and content in a way she never thought possible. Now she knew the truth about him, that he was not what he seemed at all. He'd told her all about her life, her friends and family, her home, her Slayer calling and destiny, everything except the fact that he himself was a vampire, one of the creatures she was born to defend the world from.

Other people might think this was all crazy. That meeting a guy in LA, accepting his story filled with monsters and magicks as your past life, and falling into his arms and his bed was insane, but to Buffy it made more sense than anything else had in such a long time.

She knew what Spike told her was true. Her mind conjured up scraps of dreams, images of people and creatures and places. Many of them fitted the descriptions Spike had given in his in-depth tale of the life Buffy had supposedly had before Cleveland. Still, much of what he'd said meant little to her. Though she supposed she was this Slayer he spoke of, she didn't fully understand what that meant. All the things she must've known before how to handle weapons, how to kill various demons, how to be the Chosen One, those memories were gone. Though Buffy believed that much of what Spike said was true she wondered what he may have left out or changed. After all, he had skipped over the truth about himself being a vampire, and that was kind of a major point.

The only real problem was, Buffy was fairly certain that even if she'd known from the beginning, she still would've trusted him. Sitting here now, contemplating her situation, she was wondering if she should go back to his room, apologise for running away like a child and let Spike explain why he'd lied to her, how he could love her if he was this evil creature that he'd told her vampires were supposed to be. The sensible half of her brain told her no, she shouldn't do that. He could be dangerous, despite the fact every instinct in her told him he wasn't, she couldn't take any chances right now.

Taking out a pen and paper, Buffy had an idea. She made a list of every name, every place, every key word she could recall from what Spike had told her along with anything that stood out from her dreams. The list made, she pulled out her cell phone and dialled a number she knew by heart.

"Whitely's Books" said the voice on the other end of the line as soon as the call connected.

"Hey, it's me, Bu... Joan" she said, frowning as she amended what she was going to say. She wasn't sure when it had become second nature to call herself Buffy, but it was what Spike had been calling her these past two days and somehow it felt more like it fit that Joan did now.

"Hello, Joan" her boss and confidante smiled as he spoke to her, "You having a good time in LA, honey?"

"It's... interesting" she admitted, "I actually called because, well, I kind of need a little help"

"Anything you need, Joan, you know I'm here for you" the older man told her, as if she didn't already know. He'd been the closest thing she had to a father figure these past years and she loved him for all he'd done for her, just as she loved Jonathan and Christine and the other friends she'd made in her new life. It was strange to think she had a whole other circle of friends she didn't recall, and just a few miles away too.

"Do you know of any specialist book shops in LA?" she asked knowing that Mr Whitely had listings of most of the best book shops in all the states and what they specialised in.

"Specialist in what way?" he checked as she heard him go for the home-made directory under the counter with all the shop names written in it in perfect hand writing.

"Well, like mythology maybe?" she said awkwardly, "The supernatural, magicks... and vampires" she told him, wondering if he'd ask her why she wanted to know and not really knowing what she would give as an answer if he did.

"Oh, lots of specialists on that kind of thing in Los Angeles" Mr Whitely said, half to her and half to himself as she listened to him flicking pages over and over, "Here we are..." he said at last, "I suppose the best ones would be The Magic Bullet, for your occult stuff. Specifically vampires and demons I'd go with Darkest Before Dawn, not the best name but their quality is excellent"

"You have addresses?" Buffy checked and proceeded to scribble them down as Mr Whitely read them out to her. She thanked him afterwards and was relieved when he never asked why she wanted the information just told her he hoped she found what she was looking for and left it at that as they said there goodbyes and ended the call.

It took just a moments contemplation before Buffy was on her feet, swinging her bag over her shoulder and heading out of the motel towards the second bookshop her friend had told her about. She needed to know more about these vampires and demons she had supposedly once fought, and about Slayers, should there be books about such people. Until she fully understood what both she and Spike were, as well as what they were each capable of, there was no way to know where she went from here.

* * *

Spike paced up and down the room once again, wishing that he had the Gem of Amara right now, or that the sun would just spontaneously go down in the middle of the day. It was torture being trapped in this motel room, unable to even get down the hall to Buffy until the sun moved around the building and was no longer shining across the corridor that led from his room to hers.

Of course there was nothing to say she was still in that room, or even still in LA by now. She could be miles away, running from the monster she now knew he was, determined never to come back again for fear of what he might do to her. Spike hated to think that way, but his mind would not stop torturing him with such thoughts. The comfort came in memories of a few hours ago. Holding the woman of his dreams in his arms, making love to her like he'd dreamed of doing so many times before. It had been perfect, better than perfect if it were possible, and despite the fact it pained him terribly to know she might be gone from his life now all over again, he wouldn't trade these past two days for the world.

Though he was by nature an unholy creature, Spike prayed to any Power That Be that might listen, that Buffy wouldn't run too far, that she might find her way back to him again. She'd done it once, why not a second time? Still, deep down he doubted it were possible. He had to go back to Sunnydale tonight, he'd been away longer than he ought to be anyway, and Dawn would be panicking by now he was sure. The real problem was, what he was going to tell her about why he'd been gone so long. To tell her the truth would be the decent thing, but she'd be in so much more pain, knowing Buffy was alive in the world and not there at her side, it would be ten times more painful than knowing she was just gone. He'd realised that for himself already, he couldn't put the Bit through such agonies, especially not so close to her wedding.

Spike's senses told him it would be a few more hours yet before the sun got low enough for him to leave the motel, go pick up his car, and begin the long drive back to good old SunnyD. With a deep sigh he flopped back on the bed and covered his face with his hands, hiding the tears he shed for the woman of his dreams that he'd lost yet again, despite the fact no-one was there to see.

* * *

It was amazing, Buffy thought as she sat in the back of the book shop named 'Darkest Before Dawn' a stack of tomes at her side and a pen and paper in her hand as she scribbled notes about the person she used to be. She'd found so much and so fast it astounded her. Tales of the Slayer called Buffy Summers, of the Vampire Angelus who had been cursed with a soul to become Angel, and terrible accounts of the damage he had once done with his gang, a member of which had been William the Bloody aka Spike.

The newest volume she'd found with references to the Slayer was just five years old and spoke of a terrible battle between the Slayer's allies and a hell-God named Glorifius. The Watchers Diary was written by one Rupert Giles and the young woman who ran the shop had explained it was something she had lately acquired from England. The writer of the book surmised that the ritual this 'Glory' as he referred to her was to perform had to be in Sunnydale because of the presence of the Hellmouth. Further research of that term led Buffy to discovering that the very same type of opening to hell existed in other places, specifically in Cleveland.

It all made some kind of sense at last and Buffy smiled as she realised it. She'd jumped into the portal Glory had opened, her life had ended in that place but had begun again as the same kind of energy pulled her to the next Hellmouth where she had landed with a bump, and no memory of what had gone before.

The revelation thrilled her more than it scared her and all she could think of was how much she wanted to share this with her friends. She was in LA to see Jonathan, it made sense to start with him. Of course, last night had been awkward with his confessions of love for her, and maybe she had over-reacted a little to that. It was still a shock but she hoped they could put that to one side, just briefly, whilst she told him the exciting news that she knew where she came from now. She was sure he would be as thrilled as she was.

* * *

Spike was glad to be out of the motel and yet less eager to be leaving town. He'd called at Buffy's room on the way down to the lobby. She hadn't answered his constant knocking and calling of her name, and her scent was not as strong as it ought to be. He suspected she had gone out, that his theories of her running as far away as possible were true and he hated to think it. Still, he had a home to go to, another girl waiting there that would still need him, however grown up she got, and despite the fact she was getting married.

On the off chance though, he had penned a note, just a short paragraph telling Buffy he was sorry and that if she needed him he would always be there. He added the address of her old house in Revello Drive, where Dawn still lived and he spent much of his time. He handed it in at the reception desk and the girl there promised to pass it on when 'Ms Winters' returned. Spike smiled and thanked her though in all honesty he doubted very much she'd be back to get it, or read it if she was.

* * *

Buffy practically ran all the way from the book store to the place Jonathan now worked. Wolfram & Hart, Attorneys at Law, said the big bold sign out front as she approached the daunting building. She slowed down, trying to regain her breath and composure as she passed by a few smartly dressed persons and went in through the glass doors.

Jonathan was across the lobby by the elevator, talking with two other men. Desperate to get his attention but not wanting to interrupt his important lawyer-type dealings, Buffy settled for waving in his general direction when she thought he might be looking her way. Though she was sure he looked straight at her twice, he made to effort to respond or excuse himself from his discussion.

It was then that it happened.

The two men that Jonathan had been talking to turned almost as one, eyes fixing on Buffy as they honed their senses. Her scent was strong and the feeling that tingled down their spines told them exactly who she was.

"Slayer!" one of them roared, eyes flashing gold as he ran at her full speed.

Buffy was stunned by the sight of the man who's face shifted as he came at her, revealing fangs at his lips and ridges on his forehead. His friend was soon at his side, face also showing demonic traits as they both attacked.

One strike sent Buffy reeling, but she didn't fall, just dropped her bag, spilling the contents across the tiled floor with a clatter. The second vampire came at her, arm raised to strike, fangs bared ready to sink into her vulnerable flesh, but it never got the chance.

It must have been adrenaline and maybe instinct, she assumed afterwards, it was the only way Buffy could account for what she did next. With perfect grace and poise, she spun and kicked out at her attackers. The first was sent sprawling into the second, bringing them both to the floor. By the time they were back on their feet, Buffy was in battle stance, ready for their next attempt to bring her down.

The whole event was a blur of punches and kicks as she blocked their attacks and kept both vampires at bay. Eventually, she saw an oppurtunity as they both lay sprawled on the floor, her arm twisted behind her back to grab two freshly sharpened pencils from the startled receptionists desk. She leaned over the vampires, and with perfect accuracy Buffy punctured both their hearts with the wooden writing implements, sending both creatures to dust in seconds.

Breathing somewhat heavily she stood tall once again, glancing over at Jonathan and meeting his eyes. He didn't look quite as shocked as she'd expected him to, she thought, right before she passed out onto the dusty floor.

_To Be Continued...  
_


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N : Hopefully I won't lose anybody's interest with the slight Angel crossover. Basically, for anybody who didn't watch the spin-off, Wolfram and Hart are an evil law firm, and they spent a lot of time on trying to turn Angel evil.  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 9

"Well, that wasn't exactly what I expected to happen, but it could've been worse" the smartly dressed brunette woman considered as she ordered for maintenence to be called to clear up the dust from the main entrance of Wolfram & Hart. Her colleague was pre-occupied getting the Slayer up from the floor.

"She's gonna hate me now" Jonathan sighed as he took hold of Buffy and lifted her into his arms.

"You knew what this job entailed when you sighed the contract, Jackson" his boss snapped at him, "I didn't get brought back from the dead to run this project just to have you screw it up by falling for the amnesiac Slayer we're here to deal with"

"Yes, Miss Morgan" Jonathan agreed as he carried Buffy through to his office and deposited her on the couch, as Lilah followed.

"Look at her, all sweet and angelic" she sneered, "Guess that means she'll fit in where the good girls go, what with the free wings and harps they apparently have there" she said thoughtfully as she poured herself a drink. Jonathan looked daggers at her.

"You said we didn't have to kill her" he reminded her.

"And you said she didn't know who she was" Lilah replied, stone-faced and with an ice-cold tone, "Joan Winters wouldn't have been able to stake two highly trained vampires like that, only Buffy Summers could"

"I don't understand" Jonathan shook his head, "I talked to her yesterday, she didn't know then..."

"Well, she obviously does now" his boss pointed out, finishing up the last of her drink and slamming the glass down on the table, "And I want the head of whoever told her" she said semi-angrily, absently fingering the scarf at her neck. The irony of wanting someone's head when she literally hadn't been able to keep her own was not lost on her.

"We have tabs on all her old friends, at least the ones we have on file" Jonathan shook his head, "Her sister never left Sunnydale, none of her other friends have left the towns they live in or made any calls to LA today"

"With Angel and his gang of retards gone before I was even brought back again..." Lilah said thoughtfully, recalling how the group had been handed the keys to the castle in the form of the LA branch of Wolfram and Hart, two years ago now and one year later had tried to bring the whole establishment down. There had been many causalities but the deaths of Angel himself, plus Charles Gunn, the god-king Illyria, and Wesley Wyndham Pryce had brought an end to that little band of heroes. W&H was back in business before the week was out through a combination of money and magicks, and Lilah had quickly been returned to being to manage the branch. With Lindsey also dead and gone, there was no better person to run the business. Lilah had proven herself in life, and now in death her dreams of success had come true, she was damned if that was going to be taken away from her by some damn Slayer.

"I think we have a new player in the game" Miss Morgan said, just as Buffy stirred and awoke.

"Johnny?" she said as she tried to sit up.

"I'm here Joan" he assured her, "How are you feeling?"

"Er, confused mostly" she admitted, "but... I guess it's you that needs more an explanation that me, right?" she asked, not yet certain how much he knew about her situation. He ought not to know anything, since she hadn't herself til very recently, but he hadn't looked half so shocked as he might've when those men he was talking to revealed themselves to be vampires.

"Miss _Winters_" Buffy's attention was suddenly drawn to a woman across the room, who said her name in such a strangely emphasised way it made her very uncomfortable, "Can we get you anything at all? A brandy for your shock or a glass of water perhaps?"

"No, thank you" Buffy frowned a little as she stared at the woman, not liking the way she was looking at her. It was as if she knew something Buffy didn't, and it made the blonde very wary of saying anything in front of her that she might regret later.

"Johnny, I need to talk to you" she said quietly to her friend, "Alone would be good" she told him, eyes moving in such a way as to alert him to the fact she wanted Lilah to leave.

"Of course, you two want to talk alone" Miss Morgan said with a smirk as she went for the door, "We'll continue our conversation later, Mr Jackson" she said to Jonathan in such a way that it made Buffy shudder involuntarily. There was something about that woman she really did not like.

"Are you sure you're okay, sweetheart?" Jonathan asked when he was finally alone with his friend.

"Yes and no" Buffy admitted, "Everything is a little weird today"

"I know" he looked down guiltily, "All that stuff I said last night, it wasn't fair to drop that on you..."

"Huh?" the blonde looked puzzled as she tried to think what he was talking about. Her meeting him for dinner last night seemed like a lifetime ago, so much had happened since then with Spike and what she discovered about herself, "Oh, with the loving me and everything?"

"I meant it, Joan" Jonathan told her, "I'm not denying that but I should've handled it better, not just come out with it like that and in a public place..."

"It's okay" Buffy interrupted him, "Honestly, that's not... well, with the confusing, I kinda meant the vampires" she said carefully. It seemed as if Jonathan wasn't all that freaked by the demonic men turning to dust in the lobby. He clearly knew what a vampire was, which made her wonder how much did he know about everything else, like Slayers, and herself specifically.

Jonathan turned his back on her for a few moments trying to gain his composure. He hated this, he hadn't realised how hard this was going to get when he started and now he really truly hated it, but there was no way out, it was all too late. When he'd started his training at the Cleveland brach of Wolfram & Hart he'd not realised what kind of law firm they were. By the time he found out about the demons and vampires and evil that happened there it didn't bother him much. He was young and the job was exciting, then the company offered him a huge pay rise, and all he had to do in return was befriend a young woman named Joan Winters.

Though he did as he was asked and took the cash that W&H paid him, they hadn't told Jonathan the whole plan back then. Now he knew that Joan was in fact the Slayer, Buffy Summers, who had been reported as dead in Sunnydale a month before he met her. Wolfram and Hart had plans to get hold of the girl and ensure her memory never returned, that her friends never found her or were given a chance to tell her of her real past. There had even been talk of recruiting her to their side of the fight. Now it seemed all those plans were shot to hell, the Slayer knew her real name and her destiny once again.

"Johnny, are you okay?" Buffy asked him.

"Yeah, sure, of course" he said awkwardly, forcing a smile as he turned to look at her, "It's just, Buffy, I don't...

"What!" she cut into his sentence her eyes going wide, "You just... Why did you call me Buffy?" she asked, scrambling to her feet and backing toward the door.

"I.. I didn't" Jonathan lied out right, wondering why the hell her real name had suddenly popped out of his mouth like that. He was just so mixed up right now, and desperate to make this right somehow. He knew what happened to employees of W&H who screwed up, and unlike people like Lilah, those that the company made dead, stayed dead.

"Oh God, you knew" Buffy realised. It wasn't a question, the guilt of lying to her was written all over Jonathan's face and she couldn't believe all this was happening. Her hand went to her mouth as she fought tears and lost the battle as they ran down her cheeks unchecked. There was nothing left for her so-called friend to say, nothing she could ever want to hear. Without a thought in her head but the need to run, that was exactly what Buffy did.

* * *

"Finally" Dawn grinned as she looked out of the front window of 1630 Revello Drive and saw the black DeSoto she knew so well pull onto the drive. She was out the front door and diving into Spike's arms before he was barely out of the car and he laughed at her enthusiasm.

"Bloody good job I don't have a to breathe, ain't it, luv?" he said as he hugged her tight, "Still, nice to know you're pleased to see me, unless of course this jolly welcome is all cos of your dress?" he smirked at her as they parted.

"It is so not about the dress" she argued, "I've been so worried about you"

"She really has" Jason agreed as he came down the porch steps towards them, "She's been thinking of every possible nasty scenario you could have landed yourself in for the past twenty four hours" he said to the bleached blond, rolling his eyes, but smiling at the same time. He didn't mean anything by it.

"Told you on the phone everything was alright, Sweet Bit" Spike reminded her, "And here, even got your dress home in one piece"  
"No!" she yelled as he moved to pull it out of the back of the car, "Not with Jason standing right here!" she complained, "Hello, the groom so cannot see the bride's dress until the big day"

"Well, that's told us then" Spike smirked at Jason who smiled back.

"Is not like I have to wait long" he pointed out, "Just two more weeks to go" he said, putting his arms around his fiancée who had no complaints at all when he leaned in and kissed her with a passion.

"Bloody hell, you two" Spike complained, "You gotta do that in front of me, makes me want to heave" he said, only managing to look semi-disgusted, he was after all very pleased to see little Dawnie so happy. She'd grown into quite the young woman and her bloke was decent enough, Spike only felt bad that he hadn't been able to bring Buffy home for the wedding, it would've been the perfect gift. As it was, he couldn't even tell the Little Bit that he'd seen her sister in LA. It was his secret to keep, and he doubted the situation would change.

There was a chance of course, that Buffy would head back to the hotel and get his note. She could turn up at Revello Drive with her suitcase and a smile on her face declaring that her memory was back, but she loved Spike anyway, despite his vampiric traits, and wanted to be with him always.

It was a pretty little fantasy, and Spike smiled to himself as he thought of it. The pain came when he realised how much of a dream it really was. He was going to have to accept that what happened in LA was over now, and that Buffy was gone from his life all over again, for good this time.

_To Be Continued..._


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N : A couple of people asked about Faith. In all honesty, I didn't really think about her fate in this AU, so you can decide where you think she is, maybe prison, maybe in another country, I don't know. By the way, this fic doesn't have much further to go. **_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 10

_"You're the Slayer, and we're like the Slayerettes" a young red-head enthused, the boy at her side grinning madly, as an older man in a tweed suit wandered in the background with a book in his hand._

_"Buffy!" a familiar voice called through from the other bedroom, "If you're going out why don't you take your sister with you?"_

_"Mom!" the blonde called back, along with the young brunette teen beside her..._

_"Well, what can I tell you baby" the bleached blond said with a look, "I've always been bad"_

_"Death is your gift" said the strangely dressed primitive woman as she stalked around the fire._

_A scream rang out as bright light poured from a hole in the sky, lightening crackling everywhere as she jumped into it, the __power engulfing her, making her body convulse..._

Buffy woke with a start, almost hitting her head on the seat in front of her. She sighed as she hugged the bag on her lap like a security blanket and stared out of the bus window, watching the world go by.

The bright lights of LA were far from a welcome sight, and she was glad to know she was leaving them behind. Of course not all bad had come of her visit to the City of Angels, but she was still glad to leave. She desperately wanted to be home right now, somewhere she felt safe and loved. Checking her watch she realised it'd be a while yet before she arrived and closed her eyes, hoping peaceful sleep might claim her this time.

"So Willow and Tara are coming on the Wednesday before, and then Xander and Anya and little Kristen on Friday since he can't get anymore time off work than that" Dawn rattled on about the gang and when they would be arriving for her wedding which was now less than two weeks away. Spike was supposed to be listening to her, but in all honesty his mind was otherwise engaged with thoughts of Buffy and what had happened in LA.

"Spike!" Dawn finally got his attention on her sixth time of both calling his name and prodding him in the arm, "Geez, what planet were you on?" she asked him with a slightly worried look on her face, despite the jokey tone of her voice.

Spike was pretty much all she had in the way of family these days, despite the fact they weren't actually related, he was brother, father, and best friend when she needed each of these things. Of course Jason was equally as important to her, but he would be her husband, a very different role in her life. Losing Spike would be like losing her right arm, and she panicked just a little bit if he ever got distant or stayed out too long. She didn't mean to be such a worrier and the vampire teased her mercilessly for it, but she simply could not bear to lose anybody else.

"'M sorry, luv" Spike managed a smile for her, "Mind was elsewhere"

"Kinda noticed" Dawn told him, "Is there something bothering you?"

There was a strange look on his face, she observed, as he stared at her for a long moment before shaking his head.

"Nothin' to worry your pretty little head about, Sweet Bit" he assured her, ruffling her hair much as he used to when she was a kid, "'M going for a fag" he told her, heading out to the back porch. He never smoked in the main part of the house, always outside if it was dark, or in the basement if he got desperate during daylight hours. It wouldn't do to be polluting the kids air supply, they could get something nasty from the effects unlike he himself.

Dawn opened her mouth to say something to her fiancé, just as the phone rang, taking her attention. As she left the room to take the call, Jason traced Spike's footsteps, through to the kitchen and out onto the back porch.

"You decided to play shadow with me, mate?" Spike asked, without even turning around, just feeling the boys presence behind him as vampires were wont to do, "Or have my bad habits started rubbing off on you?" he asked, head tilted as he finally turned and looked at the person he was addressing.

"Neither" Jason assured him with a smile, "I just thought maybe you had something you wanted to talk about" he shrugged, "Maybe something you don't want worry Dawnie with"

"If I did, Jason, I wouldn't be telling you about it" Spike told him, taking a long drag on his cigarette, "Can't build a relationship on lies, only total honesty" he observed, "I learnt that lesson, and I'll not be giving you any secrets to be keeping from the Bit on my behalf, alright?"

"That's cool" Jason nodded his head, "I was just tryin' to help is all. Every guy needs a friend to talk to sometimes, someone else who might understand whatever's going on in their head..."

"Remind me how old you are, Jason?" Spike asked him, again keeping his eyes staring out over the lawn and not looking at the boy in question at all.

"Twenty three" he answered dutifully.

"Twenty three" Spike smirked to himself, "Y'know when I was your age I was the complete opposite of what I am now"

"Really?" Jason frowned as he came over to lean on the railing beside the vampire he thought he knew so well, "You weren't a badass when you were human?"

"Not even a bit of it" Spike smirked at the boys shocked expression as he flicked his cigarette butt away, "I was the bottom of the food chain back then, couldn't fight my way out of a wet paper bag, thought my mother was the centre of the universe, and that poetry was the way to win a woman's heart"

"Wow" Jason shook his head, "Kinda hard to picture you being that way"

"Yeah, well, 's not exactly a part of my life I want everyone to hear about" Spike pointed out, "It'd destroy my reputation just a little, don't you think?"

"I guess" Jason considered, "Is this what's got you all quiet and thoughtful?" he asked, "Did something happen in LA that reminded you of your past or whatever?"

"In a way" Spike admitted, knowing there was simply no way he could tell Jason what really happened. That would mean either telling the Bit the truth or asking the boy to keep it from her, neither of which he was willing to do. He couldn't hurt Dawnie like that, he just couldn't.

"S'pose it just set me off thinkin'" he said eventually, "'Bout the past and the future. Gotta let one go if you're ever gonna have the other work out"

"Maybe" Jason said thoughtfully, "but our past is what makes us who we are. If certain things had turned out differently when we were younger, we'd be totally different people now"

Spike took a moment to think about that. Buffy didn't remember her life at all, nothing about her real family or friends, not a scrap about Sunnydale or being the Slayer, and yet she was still her. Her whole life wiped away like chalk from a board, leaving a blank empty space up to the point of her 'rebirth' as it were, and it had changed things. Without the knowledge of what Spike really was she was able to see him as _who_ he was instead. Whilst that was a wonderful thing, Spike hated knowing his Slayer was so confused, so very lost.

"Reckon you ought to get back inside, mate" he said to the boy beside him, "She'll only fret if you leave her too long"

"You're staying here?" Jason checked as he moved away.

"For a bit" Spike nodded, "Push off soon, go patrolling I reckon. Need to 'work out some issues' as you Yanks might say" he explained, "No better way I know than bashing heads of Sunnydale's evil-doers into the ground" he smirked.

"I'll tell Dawn where you're going" Jason told him, as he finally left Spike alone.

The vampire was touched to know the lad cared enough to check on him but in all honesty as much as he loved Dawn and respected her fiancé, he was mostly best left alone when he was in this kind of mood.

* * *

"Who was on the phone?" Jason asked as he came back into the living room and found Dawn on the couch, staring out of the front window into the darkness.

"Nobody, wrong number" she said absently, not even looking at him yet. With a slight frown, Jason sat down beside her and put an arm around her shoulders.

"Dawnie, is something wrong?" he checked.

"I don't know" she admitted, finally turning her head and looking at him, "I just... I got this weird feeling, like someone was watching me" she said, as a shiver went down her spine.

"Maybe it was just Spike, checking on you" Jason told her, "He said he was headed out for patrol, maybe he stopped by the window or something"

"Maybe" Dawn said, not really buying it but unable to think of any other kind of explanation. After all, if someone else had been there Spike would've felt it, being a vampire as he was, and would've dealt with the situation as he saw fit. There was never anything to worry about when he was around.

Dawn covered her mouth with her hand as a yawn escaped her and she snuggled up closer to Jason.

"You ready for bed, sweetheart?" he asked her and she nodded against his side.

"I could fall asleep right here" she sighed, "It would save on stair carpet" she said, obviously joking, but nevertheless looking less than eager to move.

"How about this for a plan" Jason smiled as he pulled her legs across his lap and then stood up with one arm around her back and the other beneath her legs, cradling her to him like a child.

Dawn giggled as he walked over to the stairs, carrying her in his arms, like Superman might carry Lois Lane.

"What are you doing?" she said with a smile as he started up to their room.

"Practising for carrying you over the threshold, Miss Bride-To-Be" he told her, making her laugh once again.

* * *

Spike was feeling a little better when he made it back to Revello Drive in the early hours of the morning. A spot of violence before bedtime almost always improved his mood, though nothing was going stop the heartache he felt every time Buffy sprang into his mind.

It didn't help that everything reminded him of her; this street, this house, the cemeteries, his crypt. He saw her standing on every corner, heard her voice on every breeze, and now thanks to his experiences with her in LA, felt her touch every time he closed his eyes.

He sat down on the front porch steps and lit up his final cigarette. He'd got through a packet and a half in just a few hours, much more than he would usually smoke these days, but he needed something, anything, that might ease his pain even slightly. For just a minute he was partially calm and easy as he smoked his last fag. Crushing the butt beneath his boot he got to his feet and turned to go inside the house when something made him stop. The strangest feeling came over him before a voice froze him to the spot.

"I thought it'd feel more familiar" she said with a sigh, and for a moment Spike wondered if he was hallucinating, almost afraid to turn around and discover the truth.

"Buffy?" he said hopefully, and much more quietly than he meant to as he looked round and saw her figure half way down the path, lit only by the moon.

"Hello, Spike" she smiled slightly, "I guess I'm home"

_To Be Continued..._


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N : I really should update my other two WIP fics but this one was easier to do right now. Hope you like.  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 11

"Bloody hell" Spike gasped, thrilled to see the Slayer a few feet in front of him and yet so shocked to realise his eyes were not deceiving him, "I never thought..." he shook his head, "Buffy, I'm so sorry about before, I should've told you that..."

"Right now I don't care" she interrupted as they met in the middle of the path and he spotted the tears that the darkness and distance between them had previously hidden, "Spike, just hold me, please" she begged him, her bags slipping from her hands as he opened his arms to her and hugged her tight, her own arms going around his body too as she buried her face in his chest and sobbed like a child.

The vampire didn't know exactly what had happened between their previous meeting and now but he doubted it was anything good. There was no reason he could see for her change of heart, from deciding she hated him for being a liar, to actually pleading with him to comfort her as she cried.

"What's happened, pet?" he asked her in a whisper as he stroked her hair and held her close, "What's upset you like this?"

"Everything's all mixed up" she replied, coughing as she pulled away from him a little and tried to wipe the tear tracks from her face, "People I thought I could trust have been lying to me, and I remember things that I don't understand" she told him, grateful for his arms that still held her a she looked up at him, "You're the only thing that makes sense right now"

"We need to get you inside" Spike said, glancing back towards the house, "You're sister's in there though, 's gonna be a hell of a shock if she wakes up and finds you waiting"

"Dawn" Buffy said, mostly to herself, as she recalled a few memories of the younger girl as well as the things Spike had told her before, "You didn't tell her I was in LA?" she checked.

"Didn't want to get her hopes up, luv" Spike shook his head, "After the way you reacted to the truth about what I am and all, figured it was safe to say I'd never see you again" he admitted, "Last thing I wanted to do was tell the Bit I'd seen you but that she probably never would"

"She will see me" Buffy smiled slightly as she glanced at the house and then back at Spike, "I want to see her, but right now, is it okay if it's just you and me? There's things I need to talk to you about"

"Sure thing, pet" he nodded, "Er, I got one place we can go but, 's not exactly homely"

"A place in the cemetery..." she said, vaguely remembering something, "A crypt?" she tried, smiling like a proud child when Spike nodded that she was right.

Hand in hand they set off for the graveyard, one of the Slayer's bags each in their free hands. Back at 1630 Revello Drive, Dawn and Jason slept on, with no idea of the reunion that had occurred outside their window.

* * *

"'S not exactly luxury but it's not too bad for me" Spike told Buffy as he opened the door for her and showed her into his crypt. Though he spent much of his time at the Summers house with Dawn and Jason, he still kept an eye on his old place, and used it from time to time when the younguns needed some space or when he himself did. It was five years since Buffy had last been in this place and though things were very different now, it felt right somehow to see her standing there in the centre of the 'room', lit only by the candlelight.

"I remember this place" she said as she looked around. In all this time, very little had changed in the crypt, still the same beaten old chair and TV remained.

"Spent enough time here towards the end, luv" Spike told her, "Though mostly you just kicked the door in and then kicked me in the head for whatever reason"

"I'm sorry" she said, looking shame faced as she turned to look at him once again, but Spike shook his head as he stepped in closer.

"That wasn't me lookin' for an apology, luv" he assured her, "Just reminiscin' is all"

"Why?" Buffy asked him as they sat down together on the sarcophagus to one side, "All I remember is us fighting, or me yelling at you and beating on you"

"Dare say I deserved most of it, pet" Spike assured her, "No use gettin' your knickers twisted over it. Seems to me somethin' more than that's got you so upset you came running back here to old SunnyD"

"There was another reason" she admitted, looking down at where her hands were in her lap, "I didn't know what to believe after everything you told me. Part of me wanted it to be true, if only because it was better than not knowing what my life was like at all" she sighed, "I called a friend of mine back in Cleveland, he runs a book store and he knew where I could find places in LA that would have the information I wanted"

"Stuff about Slayers?" Spike guessed, and Buffy nodded her head, a smile appearing on her face as she looked at him.

"It was a little scary but it was so great to finally know what I'd been missing for so long" she enthused, "I understand stuff, dreams I had before, things I thought I knew but I didn't know how, it makes sense now"

Spike wasn't sure what had made Buffy so upset since she seemed so happy right now as she reached into one of her bags and pulled out one of the books she'd been talking about. She explained that the girl at the store hadn't known what it was about and didn't charge much when Buffy expressed a wish to buy it. Spike took the book from her and immediately recognised it.

"Rupert's old Watcher's Diary" he smiled, "Don't think I've seen this since... well, since he finished it" he said awkwardly, hating to think about the pain Buffy's death had brought despite the fact she was back now and willingly right here beside him.

"It was so weird" Buffy told him as he flipped the pages, "Reading about that Glory person and a sister I hardly remember at all... but it made sense somehow" she said, and Spike watched her struggle to explain exactly what she meant, "It's like, I knew what I did was right. I knew in that situation I do it all the same again, I'd jump in that portal, to save Dawn, to save the world, I guess"

Buffy glanced at Spike as she finished speaking and suddenly felt very stupid.

"I'm making no sense, aren't I?" she blushed a pretty pink in the candlelit room and Spike smirked.

"No, luv" he assured her, "It makes sense to me. You're the hero type, it's your calling, your destiny. Amnesia won't change that, it's in the blood, in the soul of the Slayer"

"Maybe that's what it is" she nodded, unable to tear her eyes away from his, "But that doesn't explain..." she began, pausing a moment before she went on, "It can't be my being the Slayer that makes me feel so safe with you" she said softly, "I'm supposed to hate you"

"And I'm supposed to hate you too, pet" Spike reminded her, "But the bleedin' Powers That Be have got a right twisted sense of humour where you and I are concerned"

"I don't think what I feel when I'm with you is anything to laugh about" she told him seriously, "I was so shocked when you told me what you were, I was scared, I guess..."

"And I understand that, pet" he interrupted, which didn't please her.

"Let me finish, please" she insisted, "Spike, I was scared and stunned, but just as soon as I'd run out on you, a part of me wanted to run right back" she smiled, though there were tears in her eyes too, as she put her hand to his cheek, "You're the first person I ever remember feeling so safe with. I know you care about me, love me even, and as crazy as it sounds... I think I love you too"

By the end of her sentence, Buffy's voice had been reduced to a whisper and she'd drifted closer and closer to Spike to the point where he felt those last few words rather than heard them. When their lips met, they both knew this was right. Despite the fact they were opposite sides of the divide, destined to hate and fight each other, they were in love and nobody and nothing could change that.

It was Buffy who pulled away first, and then only because she needed to breathe, Spike was of course not similarly afflicted, and was less than eager to let go of his one true love.

"Buffy, you know I love you too" he told her, "Always have, always bloody will"

"I know" she nodded, smiling like an idiot, "And I so wanna stay here with you, and Dawnie, and live happily ever after" she said, tears creeping into her voice, her smile wavering, "Spike, I think I'm in danger"

"Danger?" the vampire frowned, "From what?" he asked, suddenly remembering Buffy's earlier words and tears about not being able to trust people and being so confused.

"Jonathan, my friend in LA, the one who said he loved me" she explained, sniffing and trying it hold back tears she hated herself for shedding, she so wanted to be strong, "It was all lies, Spike, everything he ever told me was lies. He knew the truth about me all along. He knew I was Buffy Summers, and I guess that I'm the Slayer too"

"Bugger" Spike cursed, "Did he hurt you or...?" he asked worriedly, Buffy shook her head, smiling slightly at he concern in his words and his eyes.

"No, but there was something weird about Wolfram and Hart..." she began to explain, only to have Spike interrupt her once again.

"Wolfram and Hart?" he echoed, "He works for those gits?"

"Yeah" Buffy nodded, "For some creepy witch of a woman that totally gave be the wiggins" she told him, "I went to tell him what I'd found out from you and the books, I was so happy to finally know the truth, I thought he'd be happy for me too" she explained, "Two vampires came at me in the lobby of Wolfram and Hart and somehow I staked them both" she said, eyes glazing over as she recalled the scene, a smile on her lips that seemed to form without her knowledge, "It was amazing, somehow I just seemed to know how to fight, how to win"

"'S good feelin', isn't it, luv?" Spike smirked, knowing what she meant. When the power within took over, the demon for him, the Slayer for her, everything else just faded away. All that's clear is the fight, and the feeling of knowing you can win this, because you're just the superior being.

"It was good" Buffy agreed as she looked over at him, "but afterwards the shock caught up with me and I kinda passed out" she admitted, "When I woke up, Jonathan and the creepy woman were there, and then he ruined it all" she breathed unevenly, "He called me Buffy"

"And he works for Wolfram and Hart" Spike sighed, "Bastard!" he seethed, hopping down from the sarcophagus and pacing up and down the crypt as he considered the implications of that fact.

"You know about that firm, don't you?" Buffy guessed, "Are they evil?"

" 'Fraid so, pet" Spike told her as he glanced up from the ground, "Damn and bugger, I never thought they'd dare come after you or the gang, not after what Angel did"

Buffy looked confused by that and of course she would be. She'd been gone so long, missed so much, and yet having her here made everything so right, Spike barely thought about the fact she'd been gone.

"Couple of years ago now" Spike sighed as he came back over to where Buffy sat, standing in front of her and taking her hands in his, "Wolfram and Hart gave Angel and his gang free reign of their LA branch, reckon they thought the power would corrupt him into playin' on their side, but old Soul Boy was havin' none of it"

"What happened?" Buffy asked, when Spike went quiet and couldn't seem to look her in the eye. He was smirking, however, when he eventually looked at her again.

"He fought back, they all did" he told her, "A handful of reformed characters standin' up for what was right against an army so dark... They didn't stand a chance, luv" he said, smirk fading as he shook his head sadly.

"And now this dark army are gunning for me" Buffy said shakily, "Wow, don't I feel special?" she added, the sarcasm an attempt at covering her fear. It hadn't occurred to her that Spike, being a vampire, could smell it on her.

"Hey" he said, holding out his arms to her, "It'll be alright, Slayer, I swear it" he told her as she hopped down from the sarcophagus and went willingly into his arms. Though his body was cold, she barely noticed. She felt warm and safe in his embrace. It didn't matter what he was or what she was supposed to be.

"It will be okay" she agreed, tucking her head under his chin and hugging him tight, "So long as you'll be here for me"

"Always, luv" he promised her, "That's a bloody promise" he assured her, even if he was a little bothered by the fact Wolfram & Hart had designs on his girl.

_To Be Continued..._


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N : Well, we've reached the end of this story. I hope it has lived up to your expectations so far, and will do so to the end. The support has been great for this fic and I'm so pleased, thanks a lot.  
**_**(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)**_

Chapter 12

Spike's head tilted to one side as he stopped pacing the floor and paid attention to what his senses were telling him. The Sun was going down, within a few minutes it'd be safe for him to walk out of his crypt with his Slayer at his side.

He glanced at his blonde goddess, still sleeping in his bed. After they'd talked things through and he'd promised her everything would be okay, no matter what Wolfram and Hart or anybody else threw at them, Buffy had started yawning. Between the travelling and the stress she'd gone through, the poor young woman was practically dead on her feet. Spike had immediately offered her his bed for the night, apologising for the state of it, and the fact that the downstairs of the crypt was no warmer than the upper level.

"We could find ways to keep warm" she'd said shyly, hands creeping around his back and untucking his T-shirt from his jeans and making her intentions very clear.

Spike didn't have the willpower to resist her, and she knew the truth now, he had no reason to feel guilty or like he was taking advantage of her.

They made sweet love as the Sun came up and talked a while before she fell asleep in his arms. Whilst the Slayer dreamt of better things, Spike's mind was stuck on Wolfram and Hart and the potential lethal scenario that could easily arise if that firm had set their sights on Buffy. Why they'd come after the amnesiac Slayer was anybody's guess, and Spike could venture a fair few ideas since he'd been at this from every angle over the past few hours.

Having Buffy back here with an organisation as huge and evil as Wolfram and Hart coming after her, Spike knew that put them all in danger, not just himself but Dawn and Jason, and the rest of the gang since he had no doubt W&H would be keeping tabs on them too, and no doubt knew they'd all be visiting at the weekend for the Bit's wedding. Despite knowing it put so many lives in peril, when Spike looked at Buffy lying there sleeping, he couldn't regret finding her. He loved her more than he'd ever loved anyone else, than he ever thought it was possible to love anyone. Knowing she now loved him too, and that she planned to spend her life with him here, Spike had to keep pinching himself to check he wasn't dreaming.

Just then, as if she knew he was watching her, Buffy's eyes fluttered open and she rolled into the other half of the bed, a little surprised to find it empty.

"Spike?" she said, frowning slightly as she pushed her hair from her face and looked over at where he stood, "What are you doing all the way over there?" she asked sleepily.

"Not much, luv" he smiled at her as he came to sit on the edge of the bed beside her, "Just thinkin'" he admitted, "What did I ever do to deserve such a goddess as you?" he said softly, leaning in to kiss her lips.

"Flattery will get you everywhere" she told him with a sultry smile as her hands ran over his bare chest and down lower. She had his belt half unbuckled when he stopped her.

"As much as I'd love to oblige, pet" Spike sighed regretfully, "Your sister's called me three times today, in a right panic she is. Got it in her head that I've got myself in some kind of trouble and made me promise to head over there at first dark"

"It's dark again?" Buffy's eyes went wide, "I had no idea I'd slept so long"

"Not to worry, pet" Spike told her, "but I do have to go and see Dawn now. You up for coming with?"

"I... I guess" the Slayer nodded shakily, as she glanced away, "It's going to be so weird"

"For both of you" Spike nodded, "And I warn you, Dawnie's not one to hold back with the questions" he told her, "But I'll be there to hold your hand pet, help you explain and all. Okay?" he checked, head tilted to one side as he studied her, tried to get her to meet his eyes.

She managed a smile when she eventually looked at him properly again.

"Okay" she said with a firm nod, "Let's do this"

* * *

"This is insane" Buffy laughed nervously as she and Spike walked hand in hand into Revello Drive, "The stuff I've faced, life and death stuff, and now the idea of seeing my sister..." she said, showing Spike how her other hand was shaking violently.

"'S bound to feel weird, luv" he told her kindly, "but I'm here for you, and nothin' bad's gonna happen. Dawn'll be thrilled to see you"

"I can't wait to see her" Buffy admitted with a smile, "Somehow I feel like I know her, even though I don't remember much"

"Blood connection does that for you" Spike nodded knowingly, though he wasn't sure he fancied explaining about his vampiric family and their twisted connection right now. He was saved from having to as the couple neared the Summers house and he stopped walking.

"Dawn's probably watchin' for me, luv" Spike said, turning to face Buffy beneath the street lamp a little way down the street, "'S up to you how you wanna play this. I can warn her of what's comin' or we can just go for it, straight up to the front door together"

"You know her better than I do now, Spike" Buffy sighed, "You think she needs a warning?" she asked, hoping he said no, after all if he had to go talk to her first Buffy wasn't sure she could stand hanging around and waiting to show herself. Nerves were making her feel terribly nauseous already.

"Let's just do it" Spike smirked, eager to relieve the fear and tension he could sense coming off the Slayer in waves. Gripping her hand tight in his, they walked up to the front gate and then up the path towards the house.

Dawn had been forced to move away from the window to go to the bathroom, but had left Jason on watch. She'd been so worried about Spike, she was desperate not to miss his arrival at the house.

The young man by the front window smiled when he saw his vampire friend, his expression shifting to a slight frown as he eyed the woman beside the bleached blond. Glancing to the mantle shelf he observed the picture of Buffy there and then turned his attention back to the couple that were headed for the front door. Surely Dawn's sister was dead, that couldn't be her, but then Spike had been acting very strangely, and they did live on a Hellmouth after all...

"Dawn!" he bellowed up the stairs, "Dawn, get down here!" he yelled and his fiancée duly appeared looking worried by the urgency of his tone.

"Jason, what's happening?" she asked as she ran down the stairs, "Is it Spike? Is he...?" the words died on her lips as she stopped a few steps from the bottom and glanced at the two people who had appeared at the front door. There was Spike, not at all injured or hurt as she'd feared, and beside him stood a woman she hadn't seen in five years and never expected too.

"Oh my God" she gasped, her hand covering her mouth as tears blurred her vision to an impossible level.

"Dawnie" Spike smiled up at her, "I found her in LA" he said simply, not knowing what else to tell her. There was a lot that needed to be said but those words would wait.

"Buffy?" the young girl squeaked, unable to believe her eyes as she came down the last few steps and stood just a few inches in front of her sister whom she could not ever remember seeing with brunette hair, and yet it was her.

"It's me, Dawnie" she confirmed, "I found my way home" she sobbed as the sister grabbed each other into a tight hug to the point where neither of them could really breathe, and yet neither of them cared.

"How the hell...?" Jason frowned, looking over at Spike who actually had to fight back tears of his own as he watched the two women he loved most in the world.

"Long story, mate" he said softly, "Bloody long story"

* * *

The sun rose on a new day, but the residents of 1630 Revello Drive barely noticed the change from dark to light. With the drapes firmly closed to keep Spike safe, Buffy and Dawn shared the couch and talked over all that happened since they last saw each other. With Spike's help, Buffy explained how they thought she'd ended up in Cleveland, and Dawnie and Jason shared their stories of how they got together and the wedding that was approaching.

Spike was immediately forgiven for his secrecy about finding Buffy, on her insistence actually, though it was obvious Dawn wouldn't have been mad at him anyway. She knew by now that anything he did, he did it or her own good, to keep her safe and happy at all times when it were possible.

"This is like the best wedding present ever" Dawn enthused for the twenty-seventh time since being reunited with her sister, "I can't even tell you what it means"

"Believe me, Dawnie, I know" Buffy told her, "For so long I was so lost, and then Spike found me" she smiled across at the bleached blond with such love in her eyes it almost overwhelmed him, "I knew, before he'd even told me everything, that I was safe with him, and so loved. He's pretty much my hero" she admitted, a little embarrassed when she realised how lame that sounded.

"That's our Spike" Dawn giggled, "Definitely the hero type these days"

"Ladies, please" he rolled his eyes, "If I had the circulation for it, I'd be blushing"

"Now I get what you were saying to me before" Jason said, snapping his fingers as realisation hit, "All that stuff about secrets and thinking about the past. It was all about Buffy" he realised and Spike smirked.

"Isn't everything?" he said as he glanced at her and she actually did blush under the intensity of his gaze. Her embarrassment only increased as her stomach growled loudly and it occurred to everybody how long they'd been sitting there talking. None of them had eaten for hours, and clearly that was taking it's toll.

It was Jason who offered to make the food. As interesting as it was hearing all about Buffy and how she was back, and so forth, he did feel kind of like a spare part. After all, he'd never met his fiancée's sister until today and he wasn't as much a part of the Slayer and demon world as the others were.

"I'll give you a hand, mate" Spike offered, following the lad to the kitchen, though he turned around twice to glance at Buffy on his way from one room to the other.

"Crazy situation, huh?" Jason shook his head as he checked the cupboards and refrigerator for possible ingredients that would soon become lunch for four, "I mean, people coming back from the dead is kind of normal in Sunnydale, but the Slayer being sucked through a portal, showing up in a whole other state with no memory or anything. That's way freaky"

"It's bloody brilliant is what it is" Spike pointed out as he reached past the boy and snagged a container of blood from the fridge, turning to get a mug to pour it into and then striding over to the microwave.

"Oh yeah, it's great and everything" Jason agreed, though Spike got the feeling his heart wasn't in it. He tilted his head as he observed the boy who was buttering bread for sandwiches and intentionally keeping his head down.

"You know" Spike said suddenly, "Dawnie loves you to bits, mate" he said, finally catching Jason's attention, "Don't think for a second that now she has her sister back in her life, she's not gonna need you. She bloody does, right?"

"Sure, I know" Jason nodded, the smile returning to his face as he looked back down at what he was doing.

Spike smirked as the microwave beeped and he took out his mug of warm plasma. Of course Jason knew Dawn would always love, want, and need him, but it had helped to have someone else say it, just to put his mind at rest.

* * *

It was late in the day when the lack of sleep finally overtook the general excitement in Dawn and she could barely keep her eyes open any longer. She hated having to say goodnight and leave the room that contained the sister she'd missed so much. She was so afraid that if she took her eyes off Buffy for a second the Slayer might just disappear. At the very least she dreaded going to sleep for fear she would wake and find that Buffy's return had all been a dream.

"I swear, Dawnie, I will still be here in the morning" the brunette smiled, running her finger through the length of Dawn's hair and pushing it back over her shoulder. Tears welled up in the young girl's eyes at the familiar action and realisation dawned on Buffy's own face as she recalled it herself. It was very vague, but it was there, another little memory, a tiny piece of the puzzle that made up her past life.

When Jason finally managed to prise the sisters apart and take Dawn off to their bed, Spike was only too pleased to be left alone with the Slayer.

"Wow" she said, a look of wonderment on her face, "That's my sister" she said with a grin that caused Spike to smile too.

"Yeah, that's our little Dawnie" he agreed, "Though pr'aps not so little anymore" he sighed, "Little Bit's grown up a lot, sort of had to really"

"Because I was gone" Buffy said sadly, looking almost guilty though she wasn't sure why she felt that way, after all she had no way to know she'd had a life here before. If she had known she was sure she would have been back like a shot. Dawn was so great, and even though her memories of the girl were vague, Buffy just knew they were sisters. Somehow it was just obvious.

"Hey now" said Spike, lifting Buffy's chin with his finger, making her look at him, "No more tears, eh pet? Lot more reasons to be happy right now than sobbin' your heart our, right?"

"Definitely" Buffy smiled, though tears still glistened in her eyes, maybe they were part of her happiness, she thought to herself, or possibly just because she was so overwhelmed by what was happening, "You know something else that's definite?" she said softly, as Spike's thumb moved over her cheek and wiped away the one lone tear that had escaped.

"What's that then, luv?" he asked her gently as they both subconsciously leaned in closer.

"I love you" she whispered, right before their lips met in a sweet kiss.

"Bloody love you too" he replied when they parted a moment later, but she barely had time to breath before they were kissing again.

Buffy had no idea why it had taken her so long to learn to love this man. The vampire side of him be damned, it didn't matter, he was good and sweet and kind. He'd kept a promise to look after her sister, that Buffy herself couldn't even recall, and he loved her, even after all this time, after all the awful things she'd said and done.

"Spike" she said, pulling away from his just a little, her arms still firmly around his neck, "I'm so sorry, for the way I used to treat you" she said solemnly, "I can't take it back, I don't even remember most of it" she admitted, "but I am sorry, and I love you now, no matter what" she said firmly, staring deep into his crystal blue eyes, "You believe me?"

"Course, pet" he nodded once, "We're gonna be alright, y'know Slayer" he promised her, "Wolfram & Hart be damned, we're gonna take anything those bastards throw at us and plenty more besides. When the smoke clears we will be left standing" he said firmly, "Dunno what I did to deserve what I've got, pet. You, the Bit, even Jason... The love of a good woman and a little family to go along with" he smirked, before turning deadly serious again, "I got all I ever wanted and I'll be dust before I let anyone take it away from me"

Buffy didn't have a verbal answer to such a speech. Instead she pulled him close and kissed him hard, showing him without words just what he meant to her, promising with her actions that what they had was forever, that he would never lose her or her love for him.

Come what may Buffy and Spike would be standing together, against anything that was thrown at them. The past didn't matter, it was the future that counted, and it was going to be a hell of a lot brighter, now they were back together again.

_The End_


End file.
